I'm tired. I'm very tired.
I went through a really rough time in 2019 and 2020. More things happened than I care to tell. I was actively trying to turn my life around for my own good. Despite my best efforts it felt nigh impossible. Life just loved to keep beating me up, but I kept going. I'm still unhappy about the way things in the past turned out, but I think my diligence paid off (a special someone did also contribute to the improvement of my mental state though). For the first time in years, I could confidently say I wasn't depressed, anxious beyond belief, or thinking about ending my life because everything felt so hopeless.
For the last one and a half years or so, I have been focused on doing as much as I can. Achieving as much as I can. Don't let those sentences deceive you though, this isn't a happy post. It's not burnout that has been eating at me. It's knowing that in my efforts to keep my mind as busy as I can so I have no time to focus on the negative, I lost something important. I feel like I lost my ability to enjoy. It's all work, day after day. Always thinking about the next important thing, the next scheduled activity. Even when I try to go out of my way to do stuff that I used to enjoy, I fail to do so. Getting tired of it in no time.
I'm living life waiting for the next thing. They say focus on the now, on the process. I am, I swear. It's the only way I have been able to get this far, but I'm not enjoying it. I'm not happy. I'm here taking it one day at a time, but it's hard when every day is as dull as the last. So much focus in the present up front, but all dedicated to the hope in the background. The thing that really keeps me going. Even if I do get what I want, who's to say I'll be satisfied by then?
Sometimes I think about what it felt like to be able to exist knowing that I could just not move from my place and it wouldn't matter. As terribly broken as I was, there was a strange comfort in it. There was a strange comfort in waking up feeling like I didn't want to be alive, then just sat at my chair in my dark room literally all day. Waiting until it was time to sleep again. It was one of the worst experiences in my life, but part of me wants to do something like that again. Sit in a dark corner and forget about everything.
I'm not sure I'm even allowed to say things like that in here. I don't want them to be taken the wrong way.
To make matters a bit worse, workload did increase some and it has kind of been wearing me out some more. Plus there was an unfortunate event today, so that doesn't help...
I'm stable. I'm healthy, I think. I do what I have to do. I'm working towards things I want. I'm just not happy. And I'm pretty tired right now.