The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

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Donnellson86
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#61 Post by Donnellson86 »

So the prodigal writer has returned. It's good to see ya writing again, keep up the good work.
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#62 Post by kevin »

Thanks Don, glad to see you're still reading. Feels good to be back. I do hope things are well with you and thanks for reading man.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#63 Post by kevin »

Yes, I took a bit of an extended break if you will :|
But I'm back, thanks for reading Fawkes, and I do plan on keeping it up and not letting it die again. See ya around.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#64 Post by Bellhead »

Good thing your birthday came around or I never would have found this. So glad I did.

I do have a question, though. The description of Ron when we first see him is rather extensive, but not as much is said for Isabell. What is her fur color? I'm having a hard time picturing her without it.

Love the story, hope to see more of it soon.
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#65 Post by kevin »

Honestly, I left her rather vague because I wanted people to form their own image of her, especially since people have different images come to mind when they hear "female fox Keidran". It was my way of providing a character while not limiting people's imagination. However, if you really wanna know, I for one imagine a rather average looking fox Keidran woman, solid brown shoulder length hair, blue eyes, a face that shows more defiance than submission, almost like Laura only with a completely different demeanor. I hope this helps.

Thanks for reading, glad you like it Bellhead.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 10 now up

#66 Post by Jonesy »

Spent a portion of the afternoon reading this, and might I just say, I really enjoyed it. I'm doing my own story of interspecies love, and it's fascinating to see a different approach to how it takes place. I hope you intend to continue with the story.
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#67 Post by kevin »

Chapter 11 Part 1

Lunch was eaten, the children went to their room to work on their writing, and Ron went to work in his study. Isabell, intending to work on her homework as well, was finishing up cleaning from lunch. She felt eyes on her and turned around to find William standing behind her with an uncertain look on his face. Concerned, she knelt and asked, “What is it, buddy?”

William found his courage and said, “Well, it’s just.... I’ve been wanting to ask you-”

The young lad felt unsure of himself and cut himself off, eying the floor wearily. Isabell placed a hand on his shoulder and encouraged him, “Go on, it’s alright.”

William once again found his courage, looked Isabell in her eyes, and continued, “Well... I’m not stupid, I know I’m different from Dad and Kate, and that you’re like me.”

“Yeah?” replied Isabell, a look of apprehensive curiosity on her face.

“Yeah...” William continued, again eying the floor for a second before returning to Isabell’s eyes. “And, well, what are we exactly? Why are we different from them? Why do the others like us look so sad? And-and....” Uncertainty stopped the boy once again, his eyes looking meekly at the floor.

“Oh boy...” Isabell thought as she placed both hands on William. His gaze returned to her own. She attempted to reassure and calm the boy, “Hey-hey-hey, it’s okay, buddy.” With a gentle voice, she asked, “What brought all this on anyway?”

“I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, before you even came, but was afraid to ask Dad” Stated young William. “I thought I could try asking you, though.”

Isabell smiled softly for William, gave him a hug, then looked him in the eye again and told him “I appreciate you trusting me like that, really, I do. But you don’t have to be afraid of your dad, you can talk to him about anything. He’s also the best person to ask about that, it’s not really my place to do so”

William looked down at his feet, feeling defeated.

Isabell lifted his head back up and added “Hey, tell you what, once you’re ready, we can talk to your dad together, so that way you have a friend there to help you, okay?”

William nodded; the idea made him feel more at ease. Isabell gave him a hug, he returned it with firmness, and she sent him off to continue his homework as she finished her own chores.

Isabell struggled with her homework, but she did feel a growing sense of confidence in her work. The letters already looked more like how Ron writes them, and pride swelled within her. It still felt quite odd, seeing her own name written out before her. Is that how it is spelled? She attempted to recall how it appeared in documents pertaining to her such as bills of sale, wishing to mentally compare, but could not quite do so.

Once completed and largely satisfied with her work, Isabell then went to contemplating what William had asked her earlier. Those were sensible questions for him to ask, and ones that Ron no doubt knew he would have to answer one day. Still, it would be somewhat awkward to do so, especially in explaining what slaves are and that, technically, William is one as well. Not exactly a conversation any parent wants to have, she was sure of that.

Isabell went to Ron’s study and knocked on his door. He called for her to enter, and she did so, being met with the familiar sight of Ron hard at work at his desk, with books and paperwork strewn about. He always was a bit of a messy worker. Ron looked up from his work, “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to tell you my homework is done and that it’s ready for review if you wish to see it” Isbell replied.

“Oh, that’s good,” said Ron, “but I’ll review it along with the kids’ before dinner.”

“Okay....” Isabell trailed off.

“Is there something else?” asked Ron, sensing that there was more Isabell wanted to talk about.

“Yeah,” started Isabell, somewhat unsure of how to proceed, “it’s William.”

“Did he do something wrong?” asked Ron, curious about the issue.

“No, it’s just...” Isabell gathered her thoughts for a moment, “he came to me earlier asking about what we are, why we’re different, stuff like that.”

“Oh...” Ron looked away from Isabell for a moment, thinking on what she had told him. He did indeed anticipate such questions and dreaded having to answer them. He owed William answers, though, and does want to be honest with the boy, though in a child-appropriate kind of way. “What did you tell him?” asked Ron, his eyes back on Isabell.

“I just told him that those are all questions best suited for you and that when he’s ready I’d sit in with you two as he asked you himself” replied Isabell.

“Good, thank you,” Ron said, appreciating her desire to respect his role as a parent.

“You’re welcome,” Isabell said, “I just thought I’d let you know so you can prepare yourself for that whole conversation, whenever that may be.”

“Well,” started Ron, “I really do appreciate it.”

With that, Ron returned to his work, and Isabell left the room to let him work in what peace he could find after being told that news. As for Isabell, she still had some chores she could attend to, such as mending some of the children’s clothes and tending to the garden. She checked on the kids and found that they, too, had just finished their homework. She enlisted their help for the garden, both to help her out as well as to bond with the kids. Besides, the sun had come out and the warmth it provided would be very much appreciated.


In town, things were largely normal. People went about their business, some feeling a tad bit hungover from the previous night’s festivities. At the Templar lodge, however, a meeting was taking place. Some men sat at a table in the central meeting room, sipping on hot tea poured by Boris and talking amongst themselves. Finally, the head Templar for the lodge entered the room. All rose, “Be seated, gentlemen” he said, putting a hand up; they did so.

“Gentlemen,” the Templar began as he walked over to his seat, stood behind his chair, but remained standing, “I called you here to discuss a simple matter. A young man in our town is acting rather.... unreasonably.”

The men nod knowingly, understanding who it was that he was referring to.

“Now, given that he works for an influential person for this province and esteemed member of this council,” the Templar gestured to one of their own, mister Hughes, “is a well-regarded member of the community, and that he has not shown explicitly treasonous or immoral behavior, I move that he but put under continuous observation and given a warning, for now.”

The other men nod in agreement, with Hughes adding “I’ll help put forth funds for these spies and observe him more thoroughly myself when at his home.”

“Thank you, my dear Nathanial” replied the Templar. “If there are no other comments to add or issues of concern, this meeting is adjourned, gentlemen.”

The men all rise, bow respectfully to the head of their organization, finish their drinks, and make their way back out to the cold day to return to their business. After they all had cleared out, the Templar hailed over Boris, who dutifully walked over. “Boris, fetch me my cloak and boots. I think I’ll take a stroll” the Templar commands. Boris bowed and walked out to gather his master’s things, knowing full well where he intended to go.


At the Davis home, the chores were complete, Ron had finished his work for the day, and now it was time to make dinner, after which, the homework would be reviewed. The whole family worked together on making dinner, with William occasionally looking to Isabell for reassurance about their previous conversation. Each time, Isabell did her best to smile and convey quiet confidence to young William. As for Kate, well, she loved being allowed to help cook.

The simple meal was set at the table, but before eating, Ron reviewed the homework Isabell and the kids had turned in. While Isabell may have struggled the most initially, she had made quick progress, as expected of an eager mind wishing to learn. Ron, satisfied, congratulated them all on their hard work. The pupils, Isabell in particular, felt a strong sense of pride within themselves. Now, they readied themselves to eat together, but as the made-up plates, a knock came from the front door.

Thank you to anyone who bothered to read this. To the mods, I hope this post is okay. To anyone curious about the huge gap, well, certain life events and behavioral health issues got in the way. I won't go into detail here, if interested ask, but I have recently regained my passion for writing, and would very much like to start that up again.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#68 Post by Bellhead »

I'm sure the necro will be fine, since it's a continuation of your own story. And I, for one, am very glad you did. I really liked this story, and I might just have to make an effort to reread it from the beginning again. That said...

I have mixed feelings about the Templar in this. I feel they were accurately written, and behave according to the ideals that people like them would uphold. And because of that, I don't like them. So nice job with that; creating a villain that can be hated without being excessively evil is not something that just anyone can do. It feels quite real.

And I do wonder if Ron will ever bring up Isabell sneaking into his bed. I kinda hope he's gotten used to her enough that having her there for warmth on cold nights would not be too stressful for him, but I can also imagine the emotional and social repercussions of making that a regular thing. And did the kids notice? With the Templar observing so closely from here on out, things are sure to get a lot more complicated...

Still, can't wait to read more. Just try not to take 8 years this time. :)
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#69 Post by kevin »

Thank you for your feedback, Bellhead. I certainly have tried my best to make the Templar seem evil in a very human way as opposed to cartoonish. I'm glad you appreciate that effort.

I also want to thank you, and anyone else who reads and comments, for helping inspire me to pick up writing again. Not just writing this, either, but other projects I had put on hold. Reading back through this thread some time ago, seeing people's feedback, made me miss writing more than I already had. Once again, thank you.

Please stay tuned, but not for several years again.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#70 Post by Elemental Templar »

Hey Kevin, I just wanted to say (albeit this is somewhat late) welcome back and thank you. I honestly didn't think I'd see any future updates from this story, so this was a welcome surprise.

This was actual first Twokinds Fan-fic I ever read, even before I officially joined the forums; I just thought it had the right balance of wholesomeness, comedy, and tragedy all beautifully bundled up with some great writing. And I'm also pleased to see you haven't lost your touch.

I myself am somewhat a struggling author (as in, I have a mountain of ideas that I'd like to get on a page; but for can't get motivated enough to do so), and after seeing you come back after so long, I feel like it's finally time to see what I can do with prose.

I hope you're doing well, and I'll happily wait as long as it's needed to see more of The Adoptive Father.

Thanks Again |D |D :D
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Those who wait for change, and those who make changes themselves. Which one are you?" -Anonymous

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#71 Post by kevin »

Well, thank you, Elemental Templar. That makes me quite happy to read. I'm so glad that people still enjoy this and remember it fondly. It was honestly looking back on the story and how people responded to it that helped motivate me to get back to writing. I'm no great writer by any means, but I do enjoy getting my ideas out there and bringing what happiness I can to people.

As for wanting to be a writer yourself, I totally understand what you mean. I also have a lot of story ideas that bounce around in my head, some get test written, and few have been presented to be read by others. I am glad I can potentially inspire you. All you can do is try when you feel the motivation and see where things go. I myself typically put on some easy-listening music (instrumental only being my favorite for this) and just get to work. The more you write, the more motivation you can feel and the more experience you'll gain to help you improve.

With all sincerity, thank you, truly, to those of you who have read, are still reading, and who provide feedback of any kind. I am working on the next portion that will be up within this decade (too soon? |D ), so please stay tuned.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up

#72 Post by kevin »

Hello everyone. As promised, here is the next part of Chapter 11, and released within this decade. This one is a bit lengthy but I'm rather happy with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy the read.

Chapter 11 Part 2

The family looked at one another curiously after the first series of knocks upon the door, each face reading the same, “Who could that be?”. Another series of knocks landed upon the door, seeming to echo more loudly than the previous. Ron got up from his seat, told the kids to remain seated, and, having a suspicious feeling, told Isabell to grab her collar and put it back on for the time being. Isabell’s heart sank at the idea, but trusted Ron. Thankfully, Ron had the magic removed from the collar long ago.

Ron came to the door, gazed through the small observation window, and his heart sank. Opening the door, he locked eyes with his guest and, with a respectful nod, said to them “Good even, Master Templar.”

The Templar, with his seemingly benign smile, returned the nod and said “Good evening, mister Davis. Sorry for the intrusion at this hour, I simply was on a stroll and, passing by, thought I might stop by to check in on your little family and, if you’d be so kind, perhaps share your evening meal with me?”

Ron wanted to say no, to tell this man to go away with a less than cordial phrase but knew that it would be unwise to dismiss him in any way. Begrudgingly, Ron opened the door further and, with his own attempt at a benign smile, replied “Of course not, sir. We’d be honored to have you join us for dinner.”

The Master Templar walked in, accompanied by his slave, Boris the leopard. Ron closed the door behind them and hoped to whatever deity might be listening that this visit would be brief and event free.

The Templar looked about the parlor with a slow, inquisitive eye. There was not much, a simple area rug, couch with low table, reading chair, writing table with a chair, some family portraits, and a rag doll left behind by Kate. The Templar went to the doll, picked it up, and examined it as he played with it in his hands. Ron felt uneasy in the few moments it took, but it felt like an eternity. The Templar, still smiling, turned to Ron and asked “This belongs to your little girl, right? Katy, is it?”

“It’s Kate, and yes, it belongs to her” Ron replied as cordially as possible, attempting to hide the unease he felt. He had never told him Kate’s name, yet he already seemed to know it and make a point of showing that he did.

“Ah yes, little Kate, that’s right. Such a sweetheart, much like her mother I assume” the Templar mused before dropping the doll to the floor. He looked to Ron and asked, “Might you do me the honor of introducing me to your wonderful family?”

Ron’s heart sank even lower at the thought but maintained his own faux pleasant smile and replied “But of course, sir. It’s only proper to do so, and for such a distinguished member of our humble town at that.”

Just then, Isabell had come back from her room and was on her way back to the dining room when she froze in the parlor. The Templar looked at her and locked eyes with her, his seemingly friendly expression gave way to one that was cold and calculating for a short split second before the smile returned. Isabell looked away, her old training on what to do when important guests are around coming back. Speak only when spoken to, and only make eye contact when being given instructions or reporting a task complete. Besides, one quick look was enough to know she did not want to look much longer. The Templar was a middle-aged man of roughly Ron’s height and build, but with a clean-shaven and surprisingly youthful face, only some touches of gray appearing at his temples, dressed in exquisite white and blue robes. The most striking feature is his eyes, which have a fiery red and yellow color to them. Coupled with the smile that he wore to mask true sentiments, it is little wonder he always made such an impression on people.

Mercifully, Ron spoke on Isabell’s behalf, saying “Hello, Isabell, this is our guest for the evening, the head of the local Templar lodge. He was in the area and decided to stop by and grace us with his presence.” Ron was doing his best to lay it for the Templar, lest he finds a reason to have a grievance.

He turned to Ron now and said “If it makes things easier on you, Ron, you can call me Mister Fallere. I know the title can be a bit of a mouthful.”

Ron nodded and said to Isabell, “Introduce yourself, please” trying to convey sympathy and apologies as much as possible with his eyes.

Isabell bowed in a way she had not done if what felt like years and said “Nice to meet you, Mister Fallere-“

“You will call me Master Templar,” interrupted Fallere, “that formality still stands with you. I had dropped it for your master and his kin only.”

Tension hung in the air for a moment before Isabell corrected herself “Nice to meet you, Master Templar, I’m Isabell, the caretaker for the Davis children.”

Ron, for his part, wanted to go off on Fallere but held himself back with all his discipline. Fallere, for his part, turned to Ron without a word more to Isabell and said “Excellent choice with this one, Ron. A homely and docile type who is easy on the eyes. Perfect for home care, I must say.”

Ron felt disgusted, but could only grin and say “Well, thank you Mister Fallere, I figured much the same when I saw her on the block.”

It was then that Ron noticed to his horror his children staring from the doorway to the dinning room, his mind raced through the exchanges, wondering which part the kids might have heard. Fallere followed Ron’s gaze and looked that the children. Smiling, he said to Kate “Well hello there, you must be little Kate. Nice to meet you.” Kate stared meekly from the door frame, afraid to respond.

“Kate,” began Ron, “this is Mister Fallere. He’s an important person from town who has decided to be our guest this evening. Say hi, please.” Kate sheepishly waved a hand and said “Hi” in a quiet tone.

Fallere’s gaze moved from Kate to William and, just as with Isabell, the benign demeanor gave way to a cold one for a split second before returning. Fallere turned to Ron and asked “What’s with that one? Buy him as a playmate for your daughter?” gesturing towards William.

The boy looked to his father with a look of disbelief and confusion. Ron met his son’s eyes and desperately attempted to convey his love for the boy before he looked to Fallere and, blood now boiling, answered “Something like that.”

William felt devastated and did not understand what was happening. Frustrated, he ran from the doorway. The door to the children’s room could be heard slamming shut. Another tense moment hung over the room before Fallere asked Ron “What was that about?”

“I don’t know, sir” began Ron, himself feeling broken, “I’ll be sure to check on him later.”

Fallere’s smile returned as he took a sniff of the air and said “Oh that dinner does smell quite good, Ron. May we go and partake in it, or do you plan to keep me in suspense?”

“No, not at all sir. It’s right through that doorway there” replied Ron, desperately trying to maintain his good host composure after what just happened.

“Splendid!” exclaimed Fallere, “Let’s go eat. I’m sure little Kate there is starving, and I know I am.”

Everyone made their way to the dining room where Fallere noticed the “extra” places set and got a curious look on his face. “Ron,” he began to inquire, “who else were you expecting tonight?”

“Oh,” began Ron trying to think of a reasonable response, “I let Isabell and William eat with us. Helps with, uh, Kate and I’s socialization. You know, gives us someone else to talk to.”

“Hmmm,” Fallere thought for a moment, “Well, not an issue tonight, you’ll have me to help with that.”

Fallere looked at Boris and Isabell, who, knowing their roles, took their servings and went from the room to eat in the kitchen and to come when beckoned. Fallere, with a satisfied smile, took a seat at the table next to Ron and across from Kate. She was still afraid, so mostly just stared at her plate as she ate her dinner. Thankfully for her, Fallere rarely looked at her, let alone said much to her. He mostly focused on Ron, who mostly focused on not trying to drive a fork into one of Fallere’s burning eyes.

William curled up on his bed with his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, staring at the floor as he tried to understand what had happened back there, and what Fallere meant exactly. “Playmate”? “That one”? “Buy”? He knew he was different from his sister and father, but how different? Why did Fallere change expressions, even for a moment, when he looked at William? “What am I?” he wondered more and more.

Suddenly, a light knock on the door. “Hey bud, can I come in?” came Isabell’s voice, partly muffled by the wooden door. William felt unsure how to respond for a moment before meekly saying “Yeah….”

Isabell opened the door slowly and revealed that she was holding William’s dinner. “I brought you your plate, wanted to make sure you ate, bud” she stated, trying to be as cheerful yet sympathetic as she could.

“I’m not really hungry anymore” said William, who just put his face between his knees. Isabell pressed her lips together and let out a sigh. She couldn’t imagine the turmoil that he might be feeling.

She went to his bedside and asked, “Is it okay if I sit with you?” William simply replied, “I guess….”

Isabell sat on the bed next to him, placing the plate down next to her. She turned to him, seeing the look of loss on his face and, feeling unable to help herself, wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight and telling him in a low voice “I know you’re going through a lot right now, and you’ve probably got so many questions, and you have every right to act the way you did back there. I can’t explain everything to you, and I can’t do much to help you feel better right now. All I can do is look out for you, be a sympathetic ear, and tell you that your father loves you very much and will do everything he can to make things right as soon as that man is gone.” She tried to look him in the eyes, and, to her surprise, he met her gaze. “I promise, buddy.”

With that, William wrapped his arms around her, buried his face in her chest, and began to sob. Isabell had never seen William cry before, let alone full-on sob uncontrollably. She was stunned for a moment, then she held him tighter, cradling his head in her hand, allowing him to let it out in a safe space. She did not envy what Ron would have to do when his “guest” left for the night.

Back at the dinner table, Fallere kept the conversations light as he talked about the different events of town, most of it gossip, of some of his experiences, and only occasionally asked for input from Ron, which suited Ron just fine. The less opportunities he had to potentially slip up and say something more… candid, the better. Kate finished her meal, quickly asked to be allowed to go to her room and took her plate to the kitchen before beating a hasty retreat.

There, she found William quietly eating the last few bites of his plate, eyes red and puffy, nose still visibly moist from mucus. Isabell is stroking his back and stopped and when little Kate entered, William glanced at her then back to his plate. Isabell looked at Kate and asked “You done with dinner, sweety?” Kate nodded, wondering what had happened while they were in here. She walked to William’s bed and asked, “Are you okay, Will?”

“I don’t know…” William replied, eyes struggling to maintain contact with his sister, “I will be, I guess.”

Kate made a frown, then crawled onto the bed and hugged her brother. He returned the gesture and thanked her. When Kate pulled away, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, “There, all better.” William smiled at his sister and said, “Yeah, totally. Thanks, sis.” Kate, content with herself, went to her bed to play with a toy. She didn’t understand what had happened either, just that her brother was upset and needed some love.

Isabell patted William on the shoulder, grabbed his empty plate, and went to leave when the boy grabbed her hand, looked into her eyes, and said “Thank you, Isabell.”

Isabell smiled at him and replied, “You’re welcome, glad I could help.” With that, he let go and she left the room.

She went into the kitchen to find Boris, also having finished his meal, washing the dishes that were dirtied when preparing dinner. She felt strange being around another slave after having spent the last several months living as more a member of a family than as a slave herself. She was especially intimidated by the onyx black, relatively thin collar that Boris wore. It looked so much more elegant than the simple steel one with a basic control spell carved into it that she wore, and she knew from past experiences that the magic used on collars like that are much stronger. She shuddered at the idea of wearing such a device.

Boris turned to her and offered to take her plate to wash it as well. She reluctantly handed it to him, and he dutifully washed it with the rest. Isabell thought to make small talk, perhaps find out some background from Boris, but those were never pleasant conversations to be had. Besides, she could tell from the look on Boris’ face that he would not be much for conversation anyway. Instead, she dared to listen through the door to what was happening with Ron and Fallere.

“I wouldn’t do that” Boris said blankly. Isabell looked to him with some surprise. He continued, eyes not leaving the work of now drying the dishes, “Master does not like people spying on him. It would upset him deeply. You do not wish to do that, I assure you.”

Isabell simply stepped away from the door, resigning herself to sitting in the kitchen waiting for Fallere to leave or at the very least for it to be “acceptable” for her to enter to head past them to her own room. Mercifully, she did not have to wait much longer.

“Well, you do make for a fair host, Ron, and the food was quite good. You picked yourself one who can cook well for something that can’t eat most real food” Fallere stated, reclining back into his chair, grin ever present on his lips. “Unfortunately, the hour grows late, and I must make my way back to my own abode. Besides, I’m sure you have a lot of work to do tomorrow. After all, your employer, mister…?”

“It’s Mister Hughes, sir” Ron informed him, knowing full well Fallere knew who it was.

“Ah yes, Mister Hughes, a fine gentleman, or so I’m told. He never seems to find time to visit me. Shame, really” Fallere droned on. He rose from the table, Ron did so as well, and Fallere made his way towards the parlor while calling “Boris, it is time to go.”

“Coming, Master” Boris replied as he came from the kitchen to follow Fallere. Ron pulled up the rear. Fallere stopped at the door, told Boris to wait outside, and once he had done so, turned to Ron and said in parting “Thank you for a lovely meal and great company, Ron. We simply must do something like this more often. Next time at my place, perhaps?”

“That would be lovely, sir” Ron replied, struggling to maintain his fake smile for a moment longer. Fallere left without much fanfare, and Ron wished him safe travels back home before closing the door and locking it shut. With that, the pain of what had happened with William overtook him, and tears began to run down his cheeks. Suddenly, he felt arms wrap around him. He didn’t have to look; he knew who it was. He heard Isabell’s voice from behind him say “I’m so sorry….” Without being able to see clearly, Ron took off his glasses, put them in his pocket, turned to hold Isabell, and took some deep breaths as more tears flowed. Then, unexpectedly, they felt two more sets of arms, much smaller and lower to the ground, wrap around their legs. Touching the children gently, they all shared a moment as a family shaken by an outsider with visibly anterior motives. What they were, was still largely unknown.

After several moments of embrace, Ron lifts his head and says “Hey everyone, how about we all go to bed and deal with this tomorrow, huh? Anyone else exhausted right now?” They all were, and they made their way to bed, but not in separate beds. They all ended up piling into Ron’s double bed. A bit of a squeeze, but nobody minded. They were all just happy to have each other. Tomorrow would be another rather exhausting day, but for now, they were content to be sleeping atop one another, and not just because of the cold night air creeping in.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed yourself. This was a bit heavier than I normally do, and I hope that I did well with it. As always, feedback is welcome and encouraged, I can only get better when people are honest.
Also, internet points to anyone who successfully finds the hidden joke (I suppose you could call it that) with our guest here. Happy hunting, and have a good day.
My 2K fan fic story ---> The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 2 now up
Head over and give it a read if you would be so kind, any comment is appreciated.

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Bellhead
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Re: The Adoptive Father: Chapter 11 Part 1 now up

#73 Post by Bellhead »

Less than a decade. Nicely done. I will freely admit my shame in having to re-read the last few lines of the previous chapter to remember the exact situation.

Feedback. Let's see...
Spoiler! Text wall
Normally I don't usually like extended interactions with villain characters (especially the calm-on-the-surface type) simply because they tend to emit such a toxic aura that everything else just dissolves into it, but I'd say you did pretty well. I mentioned this in a previous post, but as a villain, "Fallere" seems rather... vanilla, if that makes sense. Less corrupt and destructive, more "just plain wrong". And in that sense, showing him for a longer period, and showing how the other characters react to him, paints a vivid picture of not only how he acts and perceives others, but the aura he emits to those who know him. It's (I feel) an effective way to convey that he's the enemy, and not just because he's on a separate side.

Boris' deadpan blank responses go a long way here. I feel that they were well-used. Referencing what Tom said (I think it was in a stream, don't really remember), most high-class families tend to "break" their slaves the "old fashioned way", rather than solely with control spells. Knowing that, and seeing how Boris acted in the kitchen, goes to show just how much he fears his master. (Gods I hate writing like this...) Boris has so much fear for Fallere, that he instinctively tries to protect others from him. And does so without thought, without effort, and without any semblance of emotional response. Using that kind of reaction, especially given Isabelle's past, would have been extremely effective in conveying that meaning.

I'll add that, from a family standpoint, I think Ron should have told William and Kate about the racial differences they'll face, and how to act in front of people like this. William simply ran without knowing the danger, and Kate seemed almost frozen scared stiff. If Ron had even slightly prepared them for an encounter like this, I bet that emotional trauma Will faced there would not have hit him nearly as hard. There's still points to be given for raising them as true brother and sister and treating them right, don't get me wrong. And I am glad he did. But I think he should have given them more street smarts than book smarts for stuff like this. And on that note, I think it goes a long way to show how different Ron's family is from what the Templar consider "normal", that this would be something they need to consider.

That said, aside from a few minor punctuation things, or word choice/order due to personal preference, I can't really say much for criticism. I will say that you tended to draw a lot of focus toward Ron's emotional state; relying more on a 3rd-person-omniscent narrator instead of 3rd-person-limited. You seemed to opt to explain his emotions directly, rather than show it physically such as through body language. Think of, "Ron clenched a fist behind himself, out of Fallere's vision, but maintained his composure," or "Isabelle's blood ran cold, and she felt her muscles tense up." Directly explaining emotions works sometimes, and I've yet to figure out the perfect balance myself, but I think you should try a slightly less... omnipotent way of describing emotions, particularly in situations where physical reactions would be noticeable. For example, "His heart sank." What does that look like? How would others see it? We know how it feels, but it's not like the other characters can perceive emotions visually, nor can a reader inherently tell one emotion's appearance from another, as portrayed by a character in an unfamiliar or dangerous situation. I dunno. Food for thought.
Hope that helps. I had a.. well, it was a good read. I still don't like how heavy it was, or the maelstrom that will come from it.. But I also can't say it was at all out of place, or unnecessary. It needed to happen, and you handled it well. A fine showing.
Gearhead mechanic in the digital era, who will probably grow up is in the process of growing up to be a very grumpy old man.

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