The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

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NiWo21k
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The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#1 Post by NiWo21k »

Hi, i hope its ok to post this here.

This was a project i wanted to do for quite some time but never really got the courage to do so, until now. This is based on a small writing of a 1 1/2 bio page that was done a little bit over 12 years ago for an RPG character, that never was played, but that always stayed on my hard drive and followed me through many hardware upgrades. The only thing i did with her was collecting different interpretations from my favorite artists (or at least the ones who do commissions).

Now, this is the first time for me ever writing a story, let alone one in English (my main language is German) and i have no idea how good or how bad this really is. Because i have no experience with it my first thought was to write some kind of prologue based on that part that was mentioned above.

Because i have no one to take a look at this or try reading it, my thought was to maybe try this forum and check out if this is something to salvage and maybe start writing a story, or if i am so bad that its better to throw everything in the bin :oops:

Ok, its not really exciting and i experimented with different styles and i even believe there are still a lot of mistakes in there, even if i let that check - so no need to point that out :wink: But if you think its garbage just let me know.

So thats the gist of it. One thing i should mention there is a small transformation part near the end, this was part of the character idea, but not in this way. But i tried to keep everything as clean as possible.

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„Hey, are you still asleep? We must start moving if we want to get through these woods before the evening. I remind you it was your idea to take this route to the city.”
Crystal slowly opens her eyes, seeing Aiko leaning over her and trying to flick her forehead. She immediately roles to the side while Aiko loses her balance and plunges her into the makeshift bed.

Crystal laughs as she sees the fox spirit lying there in a very undignified pose. “That was mean!” Aiko shouted trying to get back on her feet while letting her ears hanging down. “This was your own fault. How many times have I told you not to try this.” Crystal replies.

Aiko just pouts while looking away. Crystal knows she doesn’t mean it bad. She just hadn’t had company for a long time and especially no one who would try to stand against her or view her as someone equal and not just a higher being or some kind of monster. She can be a handful with her playful character and sometimes looks like she is looking down on humans, but she is secretly very caring and a lot of times feeling lonely.

This brings Crystal to think back how this all started, why she started her own journey, what happened and how this all leads to her encounter with Aiko.

Three years ago, Crystal left the family traveling circus. She grew up and was also one of the acrobats there, but always was a more free-spirited character. One day this spirit just needed to be satisfied. She was happy that her parents and all the people she worked with and she called family understood that she couldn’t stay there any longer and she needed time and see the world for herself. After a tearful goodbye, she started her journey to find herself. For her, it was something new to be alone, but it felt very liberating. She always stayed for a week in a town, worked there in taverns and bars to pay for her stay. She wasn’t too keen to stay the nights in the towns, she loved it outside, but because of bandits or sometimes the sightings of demons or spirits, even if she didn’t believe in the latter, it was much safer there.

One day, during a rainstorm, she worked an extra shift in the inn she stayed at the time. There were more people then usually there, but who wanted to stay outside in the rain. It was quiet until the door slammed open and a nobleman with his entourage came in. They were on the way back from a meeting and on the way back were surprised by the storm. Inside they looked around to find somewhere to sit but there was only one free table in the back of the second room, away from the fireplace. They expected to sit directly in front of it and because the people sitting there didn’t go for the tantrum, he let the innkeeper through them out into the rain without saying anything. He was an absolute jerk, but the longer he stayed the more displeasing he got. After some drinks, he tried to hit on Crystal, but she was able to avoid him as good as possible. But the more she saw the more she hated him and et the end she just wanted to give him a lection he never forgot. She wanted it to be humiliating but she didn’t know what to do until he heard him say something about a present for his mother in law. He said he hated this witch, but he must keep put up a good face. He had gotten her something very valuable for her birthday next week.

This was it, if she could get her hands on this “present” then she might make him pay for what he did today. She tried to find out more about it the whole evening, but it never came back. As the inn was closed, they left. Crystal asked the innkeeper if she could go a little bit earlier and he was ok with it. She followed the bunch through the streets until they arrived at the more noble part of town. They stopped in front of a big house that’s surrounded by a high fence and a large garden. After a while, they went inside. Crystal checked out the perimeter and tried if she can find a higher ground to get a better look at the whole area. She has no experience in burglary but through her life, as an acrobat, she has learned a lot about moving and climbing. She was able to get on the roof of a nearby house and got a better view on a part of the garden. There were some lights lit but in the dark, she couldn’t see much. But this didn’t face her, she wanted to show him. The next day she used the free time she had to get a better look at the house. Because of the district, she had to be careful, if someone sees her there she might be arrested or questioned, she wasn’t really looking like someone who would fit there. She had to move through the small alleyways between the houses to not be seen, but also try to see as much as possible.

Two days later she thought she found a way in. There was a small window on the first floor that looks like nobody really cares about. She could get there over a shed that’s standing beside the house and make her way over a small ledge on the side. There is also a big tree on the bordering property, which she can use to get over the fence. After Crystal finished her shift that evening, she went into her room and got an old outfit, she used when she was on stage. It was a tight green outfit with small brown accents – she always loved this one and even after leaving just wanted to take it with her for sentimental reasons. But now it came in handy. She put on the small dark brown belt, that she always used for the knife throwing part of her performance. Lastly, she put on the black cloak she once got just as a way to protect herself against rain and sun on her travels.

She was able to get back to the house without being noticed or making any noise using all the small alleys she found the days before. After arriving, she waited still a little while to see if there is someone she might didn’t noticed until now. When she was sure nobody was near the room she wanted to enter, she quickly climbs the tree and jumped onto the garden. Crystal had no problems getting up the shed and in no time stood in front of the window. In this moment something that she hadn’t considered until this point... Was the window locked? She slowly reached down, her heart pounding. Why didn’t she think about this, what a fool she was, only out for revenge. Her hand on the small window, she slowly pulled it up… it moved, she was relieved. Stepping into the room Crystal watched every step not to topple anything over or make any noise and also locked the window in its open position. Her heart was pounding even faster now, she could feel the adrenaline go up. She knew this feeling – this was what she always got before a new performance routine, and she always loved it, but this time she didn’t know if it will be a hindrance. The room was lightly lit, but it looked like a study. She checked for any clues if there was something in here or if she must move somewhere else. A big and heavy looking desk caught her eye. On it where different kind of papers, most of them she couldn’t understand or make sense off, but there were two invoices she found interesting. One was about a safe that was only installed and the second one was for a brooch.

This had to be it. The brooch has to be in that safe, but where is it. Sadly, there is nothing really hinted in the papers but from everything she heard maybe it’s behind a painting or a bookshelf. Scanning the room there was only one painting to be found. Crystal went there and when she reached it to push it to its side, there was suddenly a noise in front of the door. [censored], why now. Her hands started shaking and sweating. The footstep coming near to the door, what should she do, this is bad. Suddenly there was a cough in front of the door and this was the point she panicked. She ran to the window, not thinking about noise or what happens. She slipped through the window but accidentally opened the lock on it. The frame slid down and when it hit the bottom made the glass inside break. One of the shards flew out and surprised Crystal. She tried to get a grip on the frame and touched the broken glass. She yelped quietly as she cut her hand took a step back and fell from the small ledge down to the ground. On impact, there is a small crack and she nearly starts crying aloud but was able to keep it in. Still, under adrenaline, she starts pushing herself around the corner. Just in time because shortly after there were different voices to hear out of the window “What happened here?”, “Why did the window shatter?”, “What´s the commotion?”. Crystal didn’t know what to do, her hand was bleeding, she couldn’t use her leg and if someone finds her this would be her end. Why did she have to do this foolish action, why didn’t she just let it go. She was starting to cry, not knowing if it’s her mood or the pain. She ripped off her cloak and made a makeshift bandage for her hand, but she has to get this done as quick as possible.

Suddenly there was a woman shouting in the room above “How many times did I have to tell you to not leave this window open or at least fix that damn lock. Now it happened. Get someone to fix this immediately.” - “Yes, mam!”. After hearing that Crystal suddenly felt relieved, nobody has noticed her, but she must get off this property and hide somewhere. Standing up, she was able to hobble through the garden until she reached the fence again. But how to get over it? There is no way she can climb it with her leg and if she gets to the door she will be noticed. “There has to be another way.” she thought and searched for something, anything that can get her out. On the backside of the property, she found it. A small hole in the ground below the fence. It looked like an animal tried to dig under it. It needed a little bit more dirt removed but Crystal was able to do it even with her injury. On the other side, she got as quickly as possible into one of the dark alleyways and tried to find a place to hide. Also, she started to feel lightheaded and her makeshift bandage has started to bleed through. A few minutes later she found herself at the town border. She heard voices and the only way was through a small gate on the side. This lead to a smaller garden and the only thing she could do was sit at the wall and then she lost consciousness.

Crystal slowly opens her eyes, the sun shining bright while she can hear some birds somewhere around her. She can feel every muscle in her body. “Wait where am i?” she realizes she is lying in a bed. She sits up and looks around. She is in a room she has never seen. There are small pictures hanging on the wall and some dolls in a corner. Then the memory comes back, and she looks at her hand. There is no more makeshift bandage around it but a very professional looking one and her leg was fixed with a small makeshift cast. “What is going on, what happened after I blacked out?” – Questions raced through her head. “Oh, you are awake.” A voice from the door brings Crystal back. “Please take it easy. It looked like you went through a lot.” A middle-aged woman is standing in the door frame, holding a small bowl of water and some towels. She continues “My husband found you yesterday in our garden, laying I a small puddle of blood. He first thought you were dead, but then you suddenly moved. You had a guardian angel, even with the blood you lost the cut wasn’t too deep and even your leg looked worse than it was. And you were lucky landing in the house of a nurse.” She smiles. It’s a warm and welcoming smile and Crystal starts to ease. “Oh my, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Mary, the name of my husband is Alexander. What is yours?” “Crystal.” “Crystal? A nice name. So, Crystal, what happened? Who did this to you?” Crystal stares at her, not knowing what to say. She doesn’t want to say she has tried to break into a house just for revenge. But also she doesn’t want to lie. She doesn’t know these two, even if they saved her life, she doesn’t want trouble or even bring them trouble. Crystal answers “Thank you for everything Mary, but I hope you can understand that I can’t tell you what happened.” She is worried Mary will put one and one together but then she answers “You don’t need to tell me dear. I don’t judge who you are or what you did. When someone is in need, I can’t sit by and let them die. Just remember, as long as you don’t go against us, you don’t have to worry. No get some more rest.” With this she leaves the room. Crystal doesn’t know what to say, but she would lie if she doesn’t admire this attitude. She falls back into the pillow and closes her eyes, trying to get some more sleep.

The next weeks Crystal stayed with these two while she cured her injuries. She tried to help where she could in their house and garden, but also in the workshop of Alexander, who works as a locksmith from the basement of their house. It wasn’t easy with her injuries, but she didn’t want to stay in bed while the people who treated her work and also have to take care of her. Through time she learned also a little bit from both. Mary showed her some first aid tricks and Alexander was impressed about how quickly she understood some of the lock mechanism that he showed her some different tricks and also a little bit about lockpicking.

A few days after Mary released Crystal from the last part of foot bandage, Crystal was working in the garden, when she suddenly heard some commotion from the entrance. She heard screaming and then a door slamming shut. She was curious what’s going on and went to the back door to see what is going on. To her surprise, she heard a voice she recognized, and she went stiff. “Think again Mr. Belwin. You can still run your shop from another place.” The voice sad “I won’t sell you the property. You think you can come here, threaten me and my wife and then just hope I sell you everything for this price? You are insane – Get out, immediately!” “You will regret this, I will make sure. Come on men, let’s go. I hope you don’t encounter any accidents Mr. Belwin”. After the door shuts again. Crystal goes to Alexander who is sitting in his chair and shaking. That voice, that was the [censored] of a nobleman who she tried to rob. “What was that Alexander? Who was this man?” Crystal asked. “Oh Crystal?” He tried to compose himself, but even he knows I didn’t really work. So he continues “This nice person was Mr. Lancaster. He is one of the richest people in town. He tries since some time to buy our property because he thinks we didn’t deserve living her. He is got more aggressive over time, but today it was the first time he threatened us. I have no clue what to do.” “Can’t you go to the authority and tell them?” she asked. “I could but what should I tell them? That one of the most respected people in town is blackmailing them to sell? Who would believe me? I don’t know what to do anymore. The only way we could do something against him if someone would find proof about what he is doing, but I don’t think this will happen.” Hey, said while his voice is trembling and tried to hide his tears.

Crystal knew she had to do something to help these two. “Listen, Alexander, I think its time that I told you something. You helped me even if you didn’t know me, you two accepted that I didn’t say why I was lying in your garden and I am very grateful for that, but I think it’s time to tell you what really happened.”. Later that day after Mary was back from her work, Crystal explained what happened. The two didn’t want to believe Crystals story at first, they just couldn’t believe someone like her would be so stupid to try something like this, but in the end, they believed her. She never gave them any reason to distrust her. Crystal wanted to help in any way she could and in the moment the only way she saw this happen was to try again what brought her into this situation. Get in the house a second time but not to rob a brooch but to find evidence for what this guy is doing. Mary and Alexander want to help her in any way they can. So they worked on a plan. Crystal knew that there was a safe installed in the house and also who installed it. Thankfully Alexander has some connections to the company who build this one because he worked with them already. So after a short while, he was able to find out what model it was but also where it was installed. Mary tried to fix the clothes of Crystal, they were badly damaged through her first try breaking in the mansion, and also get some information about when and who is in the house. In the meantime, Crystal trained to get back in shape after the time she was out and also get more into the art of lock picking.

A few weeks later, Crystal was sitting in the workshop working on some locks, Mary came in and presented an invitation. “I found the ideal time for you to get into the house. The Mayor is giving a small private party and all the important people must attend. There will only be one or two servants in the house to keep the lights up and two guards at the entry.” “Sounds good” replied Crystal. So, the best way is to try to get back through the window I tried it the first time. I see only one problem. They cut down the tree I was able to get into the garden the first time and the hole I was able to get out was also closed up again.” “There is still another way.” Alexander said while coming around the corner. “There is a small backdoor in the back between the hedges. It’s an older entrance that is still maintained. But you will need these to get through it.” He lays down a small leather pouch in front of Crystal. I asked for some favors and got this for you. He roles it open to reveal a set of brand new lock picks. “I can’t take these, they had to be expensive.” Crystal replied. “Listen, Crystal, even if what you are doing isn’t considered something legal, you are doing something good, not only for us but for the whole town. Putting this person, this thief down will help a lot of people. You are a good person, never forget that.” said Alexander. “If you say so.” Crystal smiles at him. “It is just sad that we won`t be able to see us for a while after everything goes down.” “It`s the best if you are away when everything comes down. But we try to keep in contact.” Alexander continues. “You have the addresses from our friend? They know about you and what is going on. They will help you and keep us also informed about you. Now let’s get back to work it’s still some things to do.” “Yes sir” Crystal chuckled “Oh stop with this” Alexander replied, and Mary starts laughing.

The day of the break-in finally arrived. Crystal was preparing for the evening when Mary entered the room “Hey Crystal. I hope I don’t disturb you in your preparations?” “You never, Mary. What’s wrong.” “Nothing but I fixed your old clothes or at least I tried. Sadly, they were in very bad shape. But a friend of mine is a seamstress. I gave her what was left and asked her to try what she can do. She wanted to know what to do with them and I gave her some hints. So she created an outfit that combined your old artist outfit with something more practical and partially parts from combat outfits. She wanted to change the color scheme a little bit, but I said she should try to keep it as close as possible to the original.” After hearing and seeing what was done with her outfit, Crystal was nearly crying, not only because Mary did so much more for her then she could ever repay, but also how fantastic this outfit became. There is padding in specific places to give her more protection, special gloves that give her not only more grip but also hinder sharp objects to cut her hands. Small pockets help her carry small objects with her and the new belt can hold not only small blades but also some extras and her lock picks. The colors stood the same only the detail work is more like a military outfit. The cape was designed in a way that she can take it of quickly and the material is very thin and light, so she can store it quickly if she doesn’t need it. “Thank you for everything” Crystal said to Mary. “No need to thank you my dear. Just promise me, that you won’t fall on a wrong path. Yes, you are a thief in some eyes, but not every thief is a bad person.“ “I promise.” Crystal replied while she started changing into her new outfit. “Good to hear. Can I ask you something” “Of course, what is it?” “When I first treated your wounds, I had to undress you and the first thing I saw was the fox tattoo on your shoulder. What is the meaning behind it?” “Mary asked. Crystal freeing her shoulder starts “The Fox was always a symbol for freedom for me. A fox is a very solitary or small family focus animals and this is how I see myself. I like being alone, but family and friends are very important part to me. So it became my symbol and part of my performer name “Zaephyr Fox”. The tattoo was done by one of my very good friends.” “It really suits you. “Mary smiles “And what does “Zeaphyr” means?” Crystal laughs “I am honest, I have no idea. I read it somewhere and it just sounded like something mysterious and partly fitting.” Both woman laugh,

Later that evening Crystal put everything together and already hid her belongings a little bit out away out of town, so she can leave as quick as possible if something goes wrong. “Do you have everything?” Alexander asks “Yes. Let’s hope this works. And thank you again for everything. I won’t forget you and will send you notes from time to time when I reach my destinations. I hope we see us again.” “We will. Now keep safe and show this [censored] that he can`t do what he wants.” Mary hugs Crystal. And with that Crystal disappears in the night.

The streets were very quiet that evening. Most of the residents in this district followed the invitation of the major, or better had to follow it. So there were only a few people out there and it was easy for Crystal to evade them. Just a short time later she stood behind the mansion and found the door Alexander was talking about. It was outside of sight because the hedge was covering the fence beside it and there was no light source, so Crystal was blending into the night very well. Looking at the door she smiled. The lock was a better model but nothing she couldn’t handle, it was one of the more easier ones to crack. She reached into her pocket and quickly got the lockpick out of it. Already she was feeling it again, the adrenaline rush, her pumping heart. But this time she stays focused, she closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself down. She puts the lockpick in and… the lock opens in a very short time. Just to be safe, she puts a little bit oil on the hinges. She opens the door without any big noise. She slowly sneaks through the garden to the point where the disaster some months ago started. But this time she was confident. There were people out there who counted on her – it was like in the days as a performer. Her family, her friend, they always counted on her, everything she did, everything she had to do, from the chores to the performances. Was this what was missing the last time? She thought while climbing on the shed. Also, she was amazed how her new clothes feel. There was some doubt with the padding but it feels comfortable and never as a hindrance. Crystal reached the small window. It changed since the last time, no wonder, it had to be fixed very quickly. Her hand reaches down to open it, but it wouldn’t open. She starts getting nervous again. Why has it to be locked, did they know someone tried to break in? She tries again, but nothing happens. She must find a way into the house.

She remembers seeing a door behind the shed. But she has no idea where it leads. She has to get into that room upstairs again, but this will be now a lot more difficult. She gets back down. She quickly is in front of the door. She tries if it's unlocked, but no. After looking what kind of lock it is, she gets the fitting lockpick out of her pouch and opens it with ease. She finds herself in a storage room with only one other door leading forward. Listening to the door and looking through the keyhole she makes sure that no one is in there. She finds herself in the kitchen, which looks like no one is using it in the moment or they already cleaned it. From there two doors leading onward, one goes into another storage, the other goes into a pompously decorated dining room. Carefully Crystal sneak’s through the big empty room, not making a noise and focus on her goal. There is so much stuff that she had never seen, but she can’t get distracted from this, she has to get into the study to find that safe. The way leads into a small hall, everything looks like a rich person had fun stuffing everything full of expensive stuff, but its just quiet, nothing to hear. Even with all of these treasures, it feels empty and cold. Suddenly she can hear a door behind her she quickly hides behind a futon near the entrance and follows the staff member how he walks slowly through the room into another one on the first floor. After she is sure he closed the door behind him, she continues her way up the house. On the first floor, she tries to remember the layout of the house, or at least what she knows to not lose too much time here. Crystal recalled the window was south of the house and she entered from the west. Imagining some kind of layout, she went down the hallway and nearly at the end stand in front of a door that should be near the position she imagined the study to be. She slowly opens the door and was relieved when she sees the familiar room. She enters and closes the door behind her. Nothing, except the window, has changed since her first visit. She quickly focused again on the task ahead. Walking over to the bookshelf that Alexander told her was just a shell for the safe, and putting the expensive looking books to one side to reveal it. In front of her is now a small but very sturdy looking safe with two keyholes. From what was told, the owner wanted something without needing to remember any combinations, so they build this two-key version for him, with more difficult locks.

“This is it.” Crystal thought to herself. Getting out her gear, she starts to work on the locks, always having an ear to the door to not be surprised and also calming herself down and stay focused on what’s in front of her. Her hands are shacking, but the first lock clicks. She takes another deep breath and starts to work on the second one. “Please work, please work” she mumbled to herself. While she worked on the lock she heard something loud from outside. Someone was shouting. Again, that voice, why is he back, he shouldn’t be back until midnight or had she lost the time while going through the house. “No Crystal concentrate, don’t get distracted. You have to do this.” She said to herself, taking another deep breath and fumbling with the lock. Until it opened. She heard the voices becoming louder, so she quickly grabs everything in the safe without looking stored them in a small bag and quickly put everything back in place. As quickly as possible she got back to the window, opening the lock, and climbing out. In the moment she put the window back down the door opened, and a handful of people enter the room. She quickly climbs down and vanishes through the back of the garden into the night.

A few alleyways further, she laughs quietly “I can’t believe it worked. I did it. Now let’s get these papers to the right places” She went to the place Alexander told her to leave everything. In front of the place, she quickly goes through all the items she got out of the safe. There were some papers Crystal couldn’t make any sense out, some certificates, and two small boxes. In one was a beautiful ring and in the other one was a nice-looking brooch. “So, this was what I was trying to get my hands on the first time? Why was it still in there?” She asked herself but immediately stopped thinking about it, because she did something she never thought she could do. She quickly drops off all the papers, keeping the jewelry for herself, to sell it in another place and made her way to the town border.

She reached the hiding spot of her belongings, packs everything together and makes her way into the night. The whole way she was in thoughts about what happened these past few months. What Mary told her and what she could do in the future. “Why not use what I have learned through this experience?” she asked herself. “Why not help people out that are in need? There have to be some more of these type of jerks out there and a lot of people who can’t help themselves.” Smiling Crystal makes her way through the night having found a goal in her life.

“Earth to Crystal” suddenly there was a sweet voice bringing Crystal back to the moment. “You looked like you spaced out for a moment,” Aiko said with a worried tone in her voice. “Everything is ok, Aiko. I just had remembered why I started my journey, and how we two met.” Crystal replied. “Oh, you mean this disaster in that cave where we formed our pact? You know you never really told me why you were there in the first place, not that I am ungrateful, you helped me get out of there and back in to contact with someone, but what was the reason?”. “I wouldn’t call it a total disaster. It gave me these neat accessories” showing off her beautiful black tail with white tip and points at her fox ears “Ahem, didn’t you forget something?” “Oh, yes, they came with a very annoying fox spirit.” Crystal replied laughing. Aiko flicking her ears, looking surprised and then starts pouting again “You are so mean!” Crystal can’t help but loves seeing her in this state. “You know it’s a joke. We only know each other for a short time but you became an important part of my life. And not just we are at the moment inseparable.” Aiko lowers her ears and starts blushing. She sometimes looks like someone very childish, but Crystal knows it because of her loneliness. She was caged for quite some time and now she lets everything out. “But yes, I never told you the story, that lead up to this.”

A year ago, Crystal made a short stop in a town called Rosegarden. It was a small one near the border, but she needed supplies and it also looked like there was a rainstorm coming, so she needed a place where she and her little friend Silver, a small fox, could stay.

She found a small bar where she could make a deal with the owner, that she works some shifts and the owner lets her stay in a small garden house just outside the town. This was a good deal because she can keep to herself, without getting disturbed by someone. One evening on the way back to her place. She overheard a conversation. Some people on the street were talking about an old house near the river. Crystal remembered seeing an old mansion like building on the way into town. It looked like it was abandoned. “Believe me, there were some very strange noises coming from that building. Why do we have to have a haunted house here?” “There are no ghosts or demons, these are just stories we are told as kids. There is no other world out there. Maybe some animals got in there or a group of bandits is hiding who knows. It belonged to some very strange people in the past.” “Don’t start with bandits, this would be even worse…”

“A place where bandits could hide?” Crystal was curious. She must take a look at this house. Maybe there is nothing. But if there are some people hiding, it might be worth it, even if it would only stop robberies or thefts in this town. The next day she checked out the house during the day. It doesn’t look like there was someone there for quite some time. The windows are destroyed, and nature took over most of the building parts. It’s very easy to enter, but because of its age, someone has to be very careful where they tread. To not break through the floors. Crystal doesn’t go near the hose for the moment, as long as she doesn’t know if someone is in there. Later that day after her shift she went home and started changing into her gear. Silver started to get active, he wanted to go with her. He became quite the helper of her night work. “Not today Silver. I just want to check out this house and it could get dangerous. I will be back shortly.” He just yelped and looked sad while Crystal closes the door behind her.

She quietly rushes through the night until she reached her destination. Strafing around the perimeter of the house she checked if there was anything that looks like someone is hiding in the house. But there weren’t any visible lights or traps to warn for possible intruders. Crystal circled the house coming closer and closer until she stood in front of the big entry doors. “These doors have seen better days.” Crystal thought to herself. They were still on their hinges, but an old tree pushed them open from the inside. The color has already faded and there were a lot of cracks in it. Crystal pushed herself through the opening that was just big enough for her frame. Once inside, she spooked some bird who now fly in all directions. She waits until they are gone and starts listening, but the only thing she can hear is the wind going through the leaves, the creaking of the old house parts and her own breath. She slowly walks through the big hallway, watching every step she takes. “This had to be a very nice place when people where living here” Crystal thought. “It's really a shame that everything is so rundown.” She went through all the floors but there was nothing to see. “Nothing. So the villager was right, it must have been an animal who caused all the ruckus.” She was ready to leave when suddenly there was a very strange noise coming from under the stairs. It sounded like a high sigh, and cold shivers run down Crystals spine. This wasn’t a normal noise, she had never heard something like this. “Come on Crystal there are not supernatural things out there. There has to be a logical explanation for it” She starts building herself up. And tries to find out where these sounds are coming from. After looking around she finds a small trapdoor under some rumble beneath the stairs. Opening it there was a way down in a cellar-like room. Crystal lights a torch and throwing it down in the hole, hoping not to light anything flammable down there. Luckily it looks like the floor is completely stone. She tries to place a rope at some steady parts and starts climbing down under the house.

Down in the hole, Crystal waits a little bit until her eyes adapt a little bit more to the darkness. “This isn’t a normal cellar. This looks more like a dungeon.” Crystal starts lighting some torches she can make out on the walls. The more the room is lit the more its stops looking like a black hole, but more like some kind of ceremonial chamber. There are some very weird drawings on the walls and words, Crystal has never seen before. Looking around there was only one door that leads out of this room. Suddenly there was this sigh again. Now, this peaked her curiosity. She had to find out what’s going on here. She opened the door and found herself in a long hallway. That looked like it can collapse any second. She slowly works her way through it always staying alert. After stepping over a large root, there was a sudden click sound and an arrow flew out of the wall into the wall beside Crystal. “That was close. I have to be more careful.” She pushes on until she reached another big looking room. This time she found herself on a small platform and looking down over something that looks like a maze.

Again, there were writings on the wall which Crystal just couldn’t identify. Whatever this place it, its something very ancient. She shouldn’t continue, but she already came this far, now she wants to know what lies before her. Crystal memorizes the maze layout as good as possible, before going down into it. Shortly before reaching the end of the steps, she felt some rumbling and suddenly the floor gives away beneath her. Crystal was able to catch herself and roll to the side before all of the stones fall onto her. “Looks like this won’t be my way out again.” She sighs. When she turned around to enter the maze she also saw something else that makes her way even more complicated. It looked like some of the stones activated some of the traps in it. On the quick, she saw spear traps, trapdoors, and even blade traps. This doesn’t get any easier.

Crystal needed all of her skills sets to get through this hell. But she didn’t stay untouched. Some parts of her outfit hat taken damage. She was so happy that these padded parts where put into it. She lost her second rope and nearly also lost her lockpicks after a blade nearly missed her. It just went through her cloak. After some time and a lot of work, she reached the end of it. She stood beaten and dirty in front of another door and hoped that this is not only the end but also a way out. She slowly opened the door and found herself in another room. This looked even stranger than the one before.

It was a very long and high one. Pillars are building one long way to the end where something big is standing. Everything part looks like it was created from fine working material. But Crystal wasn`t able to name any of these materials. “This looks like a throne room. Why build something like this so deep under the earth and secure it with such devious traps?” Then there was this sigh again. “Looks like it’s coming from the end of this hall”. She continues walking down the hall when she noticed a small stone resting place in the middle of the room. When she approaches it she can make out a small glowing pendant laying on it. When she is near enough she can see it’s a small crystal pendant that has the shape of a fox, but she can’t make out where this glow is coming from. Crystal couldn’t explain but it looked like this pendant was calling out to her. She knew this couldn’t be, but there was a feeling to touch it, to take it from its resting place.

She reaches out and holds it up. She wipes the dust on it away with the thumb when suddenly she feels a small shock in her hand and travels up into her head and nearly wiping her off her feet and after that a sharp sting in her tight which puts her down on her knees. Her leg starts to burn, and she has the feeling like she is starting to slowly lose consciousness. Looking down she sees a dart sticking in there. Its marked with strange symbols and also looks like its holding some kind of liquid. “A poison dart. How could I let my guard down in the last second? [censored], this doesn’t look good.” She tried to get it out, but it looks like it was created with small hooks at the end to never let go and put the full load into whatever it is shot at. She tries to remember some of the things she has learned from Mary and put her cape around her leg to slow down the speed of the poison and also use some of the herbs she said to use in such a situation. But she doesn’t know how good it will work in this situation where the dart is still in the leg.

“You are very resourceful and not giving up easily. I am impressed that even in such a hopeless situation you are trying everything to evade the end.” A voice comes out of the dark, but even with these words, Crystal doesn’t have the feeling its meant in an ill way. “Humans are a very interesting species.” The voice continues. “What does this mean? Who are you? Show yourself?” Crystal shouts in the dark, these are very strange words. “Who am I? Who are you? Coming to this place of the Blood Brothers, one of the nastiest demon circles in the known world.”. Demons? What is this voice on about, such a thing doesn’t exist. “But if you want to know, you can call me Aiko, Priestess of the Wind shrine of the mountain area of the Alasaka region. And you, who tries to fight the demonic poison, which I am very impressed you are holding up so long.” “My name is Crystal Sakura. And what do you mean by “impressed” and “demonic poison”?”

Suddenly a bright light appears in front of Crystal. “Am I dead?” she asked. “Not yet, but it’s only a matter of time” comes back from the voice. Crystal still has the feeling that even if Aiko is talking down to her, it isn’t meant ill, and sounds very sad. After a short period where her eyes could adjust to the bright light she can make out a figure. In front of her stands a young woman in a very elegant priestess outfit in white and black with blue and golden accents. Has she long red hair and read ears and tail? What is going on, is she dreaming. This can’t be, such things as spirits and demons don`t exist. But she suddenly is brought back to reality when she loses the feeling in her legs. It must be the poison. Aiko is coming near her and makes a small gesture with her hand over the dart which flies out of the wound. Slowly it closes behind it. “This will help at least a little bit so that you don’t die so quick.” “What do you mean by this?” Crystal asked “The poison that was injected is something that no human was able to figure out. Its inbounded with magic and there is no know solution in your world to fight against it.” Crystal can see the sadness on Aico’s face.

“So why help me then, if I am dead anyway?”

“When you arrived, I thought there was a possibility for me to talk with someone again. I am bound to this place for a very long time. And for quite some time no one ever arrived here again. Even the old cult who captured and bound me to this place disappeared some centuries ago. So even if you die, I wanted to at least use this short time.”

“Then there is really no way for me to survive this? This cave or whatever this is will be my resting place?”

“It’s not true that there is no way. But the solution is considered unethical in your world and might be something you might not like. We have to form a pact. This will connect us for quite some time. Listen we fox spirits are ill-reputed as always tricking people into doing something they might not want. We are not all bad, but it’s like always, one does something bad and everyone generalizes it. I won’t deny, this option would not only help you but also help me to get out of this place.”

“Ok, what have we do to form this pact?”

“Don’t be so quick. There are some side effects when we share our souls and bodies. You might experience something very bad in the first few moments, and this is what I fear will make you hate me. If we do this you have to trust me, even if I am a fox spirit.”

“Aiko, listen. I don’t know who bound you here, I don’t know what’s going on with the hate. I admit, until today I never have believed the rumors about demons or spirits. But one thing I know. Since I am here I never had the feeling you wanted something bad to happen to me. I can feel and hear your sadness just talking about this. And you don’t want to see me die here. My life goal is to help people in need and I have the feeling you need help. You want out of this hell hole. And you didn’t give me a reason to not trust you. Yes, I don’t know if this is just my survival instinct talking because I also don’t want to die here, because there is still so much I want to do. So what kind of side effects are we talking about?”

“Thank you for having trust in me. The first thing what will happen is that you will be able to see the human, the spirit, and the demon world. This might sound big, but it only means you are able to see the real character of a person. The next part is that I will infuse you with my magic. You will be able to use magic, but this will have to make some changes to your body, so you are able to use it, and this is the part I am not 100% sure how this will look. “

“Then let’s find out.” Crystal smiles at Aiko, hiding that she can’t move her body anymore, only her arms and head.

“If you are sure. Hold up the amulet you took from the base. This is how I am bounded to this place. Cut your finger and strife it over it. It will absorb your blood and start bonding us. The whole process will be painful I won’t lie” dropping her ears “I wish it would be otherwise. Concentrate and focus on my voice. I know you are strong enough. You survived this long the poison floating in your system. “

“Then let’s do it before it’s too late or I get cold feet, not that I would feel it” Crystal laughs. Aiko starts smiling “You know what to do. And thank you, Crystal, I hope this will be the start of a wonderful friendship”. With this Crystal cuts her finger and swipes it over the amulet. The crystal absorbs the blood greedily and starts to glow in a very bright light.

“Now concentrate on my voice” Suddenly Crystals whole body hurts, she can feel everything, it is like a fire is running over her “Listen to me, your body will start adjusting” And with this, strange noises admit from Crystals body, it sounds and feels like the bones in her body are breaking and reshaping “What’s happening? This was a bad idea” “Please focus Crystal it will be over in a short time” Crystal tries to focus but the pain is getting worse. She can feel her hands change it feels like her fingers lengthen and the ends blow up. She holds one up and nearly gasps when she sees her fingernails break and claws push out and small puffy pads form on the palm of her hands. Something similar is happening with her feet. Claws start pushing out of her nails. “Listen to my voice, I will now remove the clothing parts that might hurt through your transition” Crystal concentrates on the warm voice from Aiko, but the pain isn’t something to just ignore. Her feet suddenly feel cold, Aiko removed her boots before the next part of the change starts. She can feel the arch of her heels stretch away from the balls of her feet. After that, it feels like her whole body is starting to get bigger and her muscles start to swell. It suddenly dawns to Crystal what’s going on, but she was sure after a tail started growing at the base of her spine. Her body is still growing, and she can hear small rips coming from her clothes, but only certain parts. This felt like an eternity but suddenly the pain starts to slow down. “The last parts start soon, we are nearly done. You are holding up great Crystal”. And after that, she could feel her ears stretch and move to the top of her head. It feels like her skin is on fire while a mix of black, white, and red fur is starting to grow out every pore of her body to give her a fine coat of fur. Crystal felt like it was now getting in the last part when her face starting to hurt, and it felt like it was exploding. But it was stretching into a vulpine muzzle. At this point Crystal blacks out.

“Crystal can you hear me, please open your eyes.” Crystal can hear a concerned voice in the distance. “Please wake up”. This is the voice of Aiko. She slowly opens her eyes. “I am here, no need to shout.” “Oh, god, I thought it all went wrong after you blacked out.” “I am ok, wait why do my voice sounds so strange? What’s this in my field of view?” Crystal starts to feel her face and nearly fainted. I have a muzzle, this wasn’t a dream?” She asked slightly shocked. “I am afraid so.” Aiko starts giggling “But you look really great as a humanoid fox.” “You are kidding.” Crystal starts looking at her body. “Don’t be afraid this won’t be permanent, you are able to change back your normal form with a little bit of training. I will help you with everything. But for the moment I would say try to adjust to your new body, so we can get out of this place.”

Crystal can’t disagree with that. She is already too long in this hell hole of a dungeon. It would be great to get back to the surface, even more now that her hearing and smell got heightened and this dust bunker isn’t the right place for someone like her. At first, she had some problems adjusting to her new feet. At first, it felt very alien, but after some running and jumping test so slowly got used to it. And she can’t deny the power and energy she got in this new form is feeling good.

“Are you ready?” Aiko asked. “Yes, let’s go.” “One moment. I will use your body as a vessel, so I don’t have to make my hands dirty while getting out of here.” “So, let me do all the dirty work?” “Hey, I never said I will do the physical work” And with that Aiko disappeared in a blue energy ball and fused with Crystal.

Crystal started to walk the way back she came into this strange place. With her new form, she had no problem to get out of the maze. She didn’t need to walk through it, she was able to leap up on the walls and get over it, avoiding all the traps that made it difficult for her to reach the throne room. She was also able to see a little bit better in the dark and somehow could understand the writing on the walls. It was religious writing or so. It didn’t make any sense to her but some of it looked like what she had seen in bibles. But she can’t really tell, religion was never something that interested her. It was more something she thought people needed to fill their lives. Did demons have something similar? She must ask Aiko that later when they have some time.

When she reached the last room, she could hear the birds and the wind and smell the woods. She started to smile. With one fluid jump, she reached the top of the trap door and pulled herself out of it. She slowly walked back into the big hall when suddenly Aiko left her body and appeared next to her. “How long was I really away? This building, this was one of the biggest meeting points of the brothers?” “Sadly, I can’t tell you this.” “Now the part with you never believing in spirits or demons makes sense. I thought you just said it without thinking, but this looks like we disappeared.” Aiko looked very shocked. It like she woke up from a slumber and everything around her changed dramatically – ok, this happened.

“Aiko, is there something I could do to help you?” “Thank you, Crystal, but at the moment I don’t know what you could do, I even have no idea what I should do now.” It looks like Aiko will start to cry any moment. “Listen, I travel through the land to help people. We are bound for while together, so you have to come with me. Why don’t we do the following: In every bigger city there is a library, we can try to find out more about the last centuries. Maybe there is more than we both know right now.” Aiko flicks her ears and starts to look happy “Are you sure?” “Yes” “Thank you, Crystal. If there is anything I can do for you let me know.” “There is something.” “Yes” “Help me get back into my old form or we get more problems on our travel” “Ok, but you still look good as a fox” Aiko laughed.

Back in the present “We just met because you followed a rumor, you are joking me” Aiko said in surprise “If you put it this way, yes” Crystal replied, “But be thankful, or you might still be in that dark hole under that ruin”. “You are right, and I am really happy we met, even under these circumstances. There is just one thing I still don’t get: After we returned, and I showed you how to turn back, why do you still choose to keep your fox ears and your tail?” “Because I love them.” Crystal answered laughing.

To be continued…
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#2 Post by backonninja »

This is quite interesting. However, I would suggest using some sort of spell check. Otherwise, keep up the good work!

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#3 Post by NiWo21k »

backonninja wrote: Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:38 pm I would suggest using some sort of spell check.
Yeah, I feared that this will still be very extreme - even after using two different programs for spell checking :?
backonninja wrote: Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:38 pm Otherwise, keep up the good work!
Thanks :) at least this gives me hope it wasn't complete garbage :oops:
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#4 Post by backonninja »

NiWo21k wrote: Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:48 pm
backonninja wrote: Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:38 pm I would suggest using some sort of spell check.
Yeah, I feared that this will still be very extreme - even after using two different programs for spell checking :?
I've had decent success using grammarly.
www.grammarly.com

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#5 Post by NiWo21k »

backonninja wrote: Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:41 pm I've had decent success using grammarly.
www.grammarly.com
Mmh, i used this as a second tool (another comic writer told me about it). But maybe the free version isn't that great :? And tbh paying 30$ a month for something that i am still unsure if i should continue, felt like a very steep price.
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#6 Post by NiWo21k »

@mods
Is it possible to delete this whole topic?
Thanks in advanced.
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#7 Post by backonninja »

You could delete your posts and I'll delete mine?

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#8 Post by NiWo21k »

backonninja wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2017 10:11 pm You could delete your posts and I'll delete mine?
It's ok. If someone deletes it its ok, and if not, it will fade into the mists of the forum ^^
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#9 Post by backonninja »

NiWo21k wrote: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:50 pm
backonninja wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2017 10:11 pm You could delete your posts and I'll delete mine?
It's ok. If someone deletes it its ok, and if not, it will fade into the mists of the forum ^^
That would require other stories to be updated... and for this conversation to end...

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#10 Post by Warrl »

Assorted critiques of various facets - language use, formatting style, story construction, and whatever else might strike my fancy to say.

I want to start out by saying that this would be a pretty decent early effort or first draft for a native speaker of the language... let alone for someone for whom English is a second or third language...

Homophones are biting you. Considering the amount of trouble homophones give us natives, this is hardly surprising. I'll just detail a few to get things started, and then ignore them (and follow the same pattern with any other problems that get repeated often).
She immediately roles to the side --> rolls
There were more people then usually there --> than (also 'usually' should be 'usual')
he let the inkeeper through them out --> throw

You have a few places where you drop a verb in the wrong tense (past versus present) relative to the scene it's in. "Akiko shouted" in the 2nd paragraph, which is otherwise all present tense. "how this all leads" in the 4th paragraph, at the conclusion of a series of stuff in the past tense and in reference to something that has already happened. The paragraph beginning "Crystal slowly opens her eyes" is about 2/3 present tense and 1/3 past, badly mixed; it should all be past tense.

(Remember though that the characters' words and thoughts are not always in the same tense as the narration of the story. I have seen things like '"What did you do tomorrow?" she asked.' in stories that did not involve time travel. And I've heard of school teachers insisting that such is the way things should be written - if the story is told in the past tense, everything should be in the past tense. The stupid, it burns...)

A paragraph with character speech or thought in it generally should have one person speaking or thinking, who is also the principal actor in any non-dialog stuff in the same paragraph. It often gets confusing if A speaks and then B does something (or vice versa) particularly if the people are not clearly identified in close proximity to their parts of the paragraph. Take your first paragraph as an example. We get a couple sentences of dialog from one character, and then Crystal is doing something. Okay, it must have been Crystal speaking... oh wait, where does Akiko fit into this? She was the one speaking? Now I have to reread the paragraph...

If you're using one pronoun (possibly in different cases/declensions) to refer to two or more different things/people/groups in the same paragraph, you may want to reword the paragraph to avoid confusing the reader. In the same sentence, you almost always should reword it. "This" in the 4th paragraph, "they/them" in the sentence starting "They expected to sit".

As for the advice to use a spell-checker: do. Also a grammar-checker. However, think of them as 90% tools. They'll catch 90% of your errors of the appropriate type. 90% of what they complain about will actually be errors. And on those errors, 90% of the time their suggested fixes will be helpful (but not necessarily exactly what you want).

Now, back to the story...

There's only part of it here, so I can't say too much too strongly, but at this point I think the beginning does not belong. It appears your actual story begins with "one day, during a rainstorm". I'd suggest shoving everything up to and including that paragraph off to the side (DO NOT DELETE!) and write a new opening beginning with that paragraph's events. Look over what you shoved off to the side and consider what of it needs to be in the story, and find ways to work it in a little bit at a time without resorting to blatant exposition.

Oops, revisiting that. From the 5th to the 23rd paragraph is one massive flashback. Then the 25th paragraph begins another, even longer flashback which goes to the 53rd paragraph. The current story consists of the first 4 paragraphs, the 24th paragraph, the 54th paragraph, and "to be continued" - and there is nothing happening in those six paragraphs. Your story hasn't begun yet.

I suggest that you shove those six paragraphs off to the side and just tell the flashbacks as the story. There are several ways to handle the time-skip between flashbacks, the easiest being to break this one story into a series of shorter stories. Whatever you intended the current story to be can become the ending story.

Or, if you prefer, build up the current story more, sooner; shorten the flashbacks a lot and perhaps shove one or both completely out of the way. It seems to me that in this approach the first flashback is extremely dispensable - so far anyway. If the real story is about Crystal and Akiko, a flashback to Crystal meeting Akiko makes sense but a flashback to before that needs more justification than is currently apparent.

"Show, don't tell" is so often repeated that it's a cliché - because it's almost always good advice. Don't tell us that this nobleman tried to hit on Crystal; show him hitting on her.

--------------------

Yes I'm serious about that "do not delete". Never delete a scene - shove it someplace out of the way, but keep it accessible. For that matter, before you do a major rewrite of a scene, shove the old version - or a copy of it - out of the way. This "trash" may contain details that you want to work in elsewhere in the story in some fashion, and/or may turn out to be the seed of another story, and/or may have a particular phrasing that is absolutely perfect in a slightly different context...

Software designed for story-writing - such as oStorybook (free) or Scrivener (free trial) - can really help a writer keep the parts of a story and related information, including the shoved-out-of-the-way stuff, organized.

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#11 Post by NiWo21k »

A big thank you Warrl for taking the time and giving me so many tips and hints - really thankful for that, this is what i hoped for. Should i ever think about continuing or reworking this story i will remember this :)

For the moment i am a little bit discouraged to even think about writing anything again, after getting a lot of Feedback like "Never ever think about writing again" or "This is a disgrace, you give writers a bad name" and so on :(

I knew this wouldn't be something spectacular or good, but i hoped to get at least a little bit of help, so i see where i have to work on, but after these initial reactions, i somehow lost the will to continue. I had a lot of fun writing this, even if it gave me a lot of trouble (mostly because of the language barrier) and i would love to write more about this, but now i only have these words in my head "Never ever do it again" :(
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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#12 Post by Warrl »

NiWo21k wrote: Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:56 amFor the moment i am a little bit discouraged to even think about writing anything again, after getting a lot of Feedback like "Never ever think about writing again" or "This is a disgrace, you give writers a bad name" and so on :(
WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Image

Beat them viciouslyImage

and break their computers Image.

Then tell them very persuasively Image

that they should stop that before someone gets ANGRY! Image Image Image

There is NO justification EVER for that kind of "advice". Not even John Norman is that bad.

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Re: The Story of a Fox and a Spirit (writing experiment)

#13 Post by NiWo21k »

Would be a great idea :wink: , but sadly they aren't in reach :(
I think i am a magnet for such people :? I know i shouldn't hear what they say, but its hard :(
Just an average internet user and :natani: & :raine: fan

My head is full of ideas, but i cant get them on paper - Please brain start thinking about important stuff.

Avatar: a reinterpretation of my own character by Claarin

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