Reactions:
- [loud sweating] is a pretty amazing stage direction
- Clovis probably wouldn't need to rely on anyone's co-operation, because magic... but we've never seen the keidrans use mind cotrol, so okay, I'll buy it.
- So why is Clovis bad at handling the bait and tackle, considering he used to have 'em?
Guess I'll buy it though, it's a bit of a stressful situation.
- If I've been following the sequence correctly, I'm not sure 'planted her feet and lifted herself off the bed' is a valid move. If I try to picture it, I end up with a tumble to the floor -- or possibly a somersault, depending on level of class
- Okay, so. So far, more or less so good. But the pregnancy...:
-- Flora started showing after a month, so whatever the keidran gestation period is it isn't nine months. Doesn't really matter; would just change the timescales in the story.
-- Keidrans are actually fertile after heat, not during heat. Honest to goodness plot point in canon. So that'd take a bit more working around, but let's say our anon helped Clovis out a few more times, and then maybe once or twice more after the heat proper because hey, who doesn't want some stress relief sometimes? So workable around...
-- Buuuuut here's the buzzer sound. Yeah, you could get me to buy an accidental pregnancy, but you'd have to spill a good deal more yarn to make me buy Clovis carrying it to term. I guess the thesis is just that abortion is not a thing, but... that's a big ask, so here I am, out of the story, debating myself on keidran society and culture and remedies, both magical and old-wives'
But yeah, this one I can't come up with an excuse for that I would myself buy, without additional support from the story.
- Clovis would know illusion magic, so the physical appearance wouldn't actually be a problem. (Well, I guess one trope that could be used is that pregnancy interferes with magic.)
- Clovis is too helpless in general. Small bullet point, here in the middle of anything, but actually my biggest complaint.
- The meeting: Clovis is many things, but George Bailey he ain't. I can't quite imagine he did the things he's pointing out out of the goodness of his heart, but rather to get paid -- and so I imagine he
did get paid. So what he's doing now
actually boils down to simple extortion. Which would be fine, if he's powerful enough to make that move -- would guess not, but maybe he is -- but the scene seems to be trying to play him like a hero. Miscast, miscast, miscast.
- The repeated "I'm fat" trope is sigh-inducing.
- 'colostrum'. We educational, now!
- Considering how easily they
could have just gotten a jar, the milking seems contrived. Clovis probably should'a just been more into the idea?
- 'your child was not going to go hungry' is a really solid line.
- Quite probably the first Moelygarth namedrop ever. Proper trailblazing here.
- Redwood doors and a redwood crib? Nice detail.
- Clovis has red eyes, not brown
- 'your fecund princess'. Really? Though I guess I really can't complain about anyone using purple language
- Re: Lord of Coins: Nice detail... except Clovis
did use the word and the phrase at the beginning of the story.
- 'you wanted the gods to be jealous' - another really solid line.
- 'and remind the world that she hadn't died in a corner somewhere' xD
- Keidrans don't do engagement rings. (I don't think anyone in Twokinds does? The customs seem to revolve around subtleflowers...)
Some typos an' such:
- As actually a Princess -> Was actually a Princess
- Carefully, scooted -> Carefully, you scooted [I'd guess? I dunno how to greentext really.]
- fired your loaded -> fired your load
- a particularly large and scared wolf -> a particularly large and
scarred wolf [unless freudian
]
- "I don’t think it’s not as bad"
- peaking your head in the door -> peeking your head in the door
- "go a take the tavern"
- "travel Moelygarth"
- "peaked out the door" -> "peeked out the door"
- "it’s a body" -> "it's a boy"
- Writing kinda generally goes off a cliff during the second sex scene. Missing words, incorrect tenses...
- racked -> wracked [AND NOW I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD MENTAL IMAGE]
- que -> cue
- and now I can’t remember anyone of it -> and now I can't remember any of it