Content contains: Preg, opens and ends with some rather adult situations (read: bowchickawowow), slice of life, blood is mentioned once, and labor/birth (it's very lightly detailed, but it's there)
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Well if it's actually from 4chan I don't think there's any reliable way to tell for sure.amenon wrote:So... are you just being cute, and this is actually yours? Because it's super weird if you're posting someone else's stuff
amenon wrote:So... are you just being cute, and this is actually yours? Because it's super weird if you're posting someone else's stuff
First and foremost, thank you for the honest critique. While it always nice to hear kind words, I needed some proper feedback more than anything.amenon wrote:I'll take your word for it, so I read it
It was interesting, but ultimately I've got too many issues with your depiction of Clovis to really say that I liked it. But, you wouldn't have had to take hugely different lines to get me on board. So it's close to something I'd like, and at any rate, it ain't bad, and it is interesting. I hope you keep doing stuff!
Oh, and it was very readable. Greentext is a pretty interesting format.
Specific reactions/comments and some typos I noticed below:Spoiler!
Happy to provide it, since I know very well how incredibly rarely people give it. (Completely unrelatedly, you wouldn't have happened to read any of my smut, would you? )Raydis wrote:First and foremost, thank you for the honest critique. While it always nice to hear kind words, I needed some proper feedback more than anything.
Well, I guess you accurately conveyed that, in a senseRaydis wrote:-I couldn't quite get a picture in my head of how I wanted Clovis position during their *ahem* "meeting". I couldn't come up with something that had him clinging but also still have leg movement so I just kinda threw my hands up and put him in the oddball sitting pose.
Looking at the bridge from part 1 to part 2 again, I just don't think the implication is there. "Life more or less returned to normal" has more weight. "You did your usual round of chores"Raydis wrote:-The line of "You wanted to think this was another secret rendezvous" was to imply this had started to become a regular thing up until Clovis started developing symptoms
It's a tricky bit for sure, but I think it's load-bearing as far as the story is concerned. Too big an unanswered (or unasked) question.Raydis wrote:-Initially, I had thought about exploring the idea him considering an abortion, but it kinda sat a bit dark (especially since nothing like that's come up in the comic) so I just opted for a slightly lighter tone of him wanting to toss the child off the a nanny and effectively abandon it
I think you had some movie scene in your head, though I can't name it specifically. (I mentioned George Bailey earlier, but there's better matches lurking out there somewhere that my brain refuses to place.) At any rate, at least for me the scene registers as trying to invoke the 'shaming selfish [censored] to pitch in' archetype, rather than the 'hello this is me blackmailing you' archetype.Raydis wrote:-I wanted to paint Clovis as trying to be in control/power, but given even his comic iteration is stuck behind the curtains, I wasn't really sure how to depict it and went with the meeting scene. To add, it wasn't meant to paint him as a hero, more a "I have you by the jewels, and you will answer to my demands" kind of moment
Clearly, but the story still has to support the lewds, or someone like me is going to 'Well, that doesn't make sense.' And the story specifically mentions jars, calling attention to the fact that it would be a perfectly viable solution.Raydis wrote:-We needed lewd, no jars allowed!
I can't guess if he really does or not, in the canon, so the only problem is internal consistency. (And going with the interpretation that he does have that problem is more interesting than the alternative, so it's a good pick.)Raydis wrote:-The Prince/Princess/Lord thing is the one detail I'm the most ashamed of getting wrong. I didn't realize he had a word lock on "Prince" until after I had made and posted that section and someone pointed it out. Sadly, I forgot to edit it out and it wound up in the "final product" (It WILL be edited, I just need to find a proper replacement line)
That's just what jumped out at me. If you ever want to go hardcore on a spellcheck, try reading the text out loud.Raydis wrote:And most importantly, thank you for spotting the grammatical errors. I had skimmed the document to try and catch them, but it seems I wasn't thorough enough (or maybe the partial illiteracy I may or may not have is to blame).
Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like.Raydis wrote:Spoiler!