9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

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9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#1 Post by Raydis » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:56 am

This was a greentext found over in the bowels of 4chan's /trash/ board (apparently they keep a regular Twokinds general going)

Content contains: Preg, opens and ends with some rather adult situations (read: bowchickawowow), slice of life, blood is mentioned once, and labor/birth (it's very lightly detailed, but it's there) Enjoy!
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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#2 Post by amenon » Fri Jan 27, 2017 8:34 pm

So... are you just being cute, and this is actually yours? Because it's super weird if you're posting someone else's stuff :P

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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#3 Post by anonfox123 » Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:57 am

amenon wrote:So... are you just being cute, and this is actually yours? Because it's super weird if you're posting someone else's stuff :P
Well if it's actually from 4chan I don't think there's any reliable way to tell for sure.
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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#4 Post by Raydis » Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:27 am

amenon wrote:So... are you just being cute, and this is actually yours? Because it's super weird if you're posting someone else's stuff :P
Spoiler!
Yes. That being said, I have not legitimate means to prove it given the anonymous nature it was originally posted under
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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#5 Post by amenon » Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:59 pm

I'll take your word for it, so I read it :P

It was interesting, but ultimately I've got too many issues with your depiction of Clovis to really say that I liked it. But, you wouldn't have had to take hugely different lines to get me on board. So it's close to something I'd like, and at any rate, it ain't bad, and it is interesting. I hope you keep doing stuff!

Oh, and it was very readable. Greentext is a pretty interesting format.

Specific reactions/comments and some typos I noticed below:
Spoiler!
Reactions:
- [loud sweating] is a pretty amazing stage direction
- Clovis probably wouldn't need to rely on anyone's co-operation, because magic... but we've never seen the keidrans use mind cotrol, so okay, I'll buy it.
- So why is Clovis bad at handling the bait and tackle, considering he used to have 'em? :P Guess I'll buy it though, it's a bit of a stressful situation.
- If I've been following the sequence correctly, I'm not sure 'planted her feet and lifted herself off the bed' is a valid move. If I try to picture it, I end up with a tumble to the floor -- or possibly a somersault, depending on level of class :P
- Okay, so. So far, more or less so good. But the pregnancy...:
-- Flora started showing after a month, so whatever the keidran gestation period is it isn't nine months. Doesn't really matter; would just change the timescales in the story.
-- Keidrans are actually fertile after heat, not during heat. Honest to goodness plot point in canon. So that'd take a bit more working around, but let's say our anon helped Clovis out a few more times, and then maybe once or twice more after the heat proper because hey, who doesn't want some stress relief sometimes? So workable around...
-- Buuuuut here's the buzzer sound. Yeah, you could get me to buy an accidental pregnancy, but you'd have to spill a good deal more yarn to make me buy Clovis carrying it to term. I guess the thesis is just that abortion is not a thing, but... that's a big ask, so here I am, out of the story, debating myself on keidran society and culture and remedies, both magical and old-wives' :P But yeah, this one I can't come up with an excuse for that I would myself buy, without additional support from the story.
- Clovis would know illusion magic, so the physical appearance wouldn't actually be a problem. (Well, I guess one trope that could be used is that pregnancy interferes with magic.)
- Clovis is too helpless in general. Small bullet point, here in the middle of anything, but actually my biggest complaint.
- The meeting: Clovis is many things, but George Bailey he ain't. I can't quite imagine he did the things he's pointing out out of the goodness of his heart, but rather to get paid -- and so I imagine he did get paid. So what he's doing now actually boils down to simple extortion. Which would be fine, if he's powerful enough to make that move -- would guess not, but maybe he is -- but the scene seems to be trying to play him like a hero. Miscast, miscast, miscast.
- The repeated "I'm fat" trope is sigh-inducing.
- 'colostrum'. We educational, now!
- Considering how easily they could have just gotten a jar, the milking seems contrived. Clovis probably should'a just been more into the idea?
- 'your child was not going to go hungry' is a really solid line.
- Quite probably the first Moelygarth namedrop ever. Proper trailblazing here.
- Redwood doors and a redwood crib? Nice detail.
- Clovis has red eyes, not brown
- 'your fecund princess'. Really? Though I guess I really can't complain about anyone using purple language :P
- Re: Lord of Coins: Nice detail... except Clovis did use the word and the phrase at the beginning of the story.
- 'you wanted the gods to be jealous' - another really solid line.
- 'and remind the world that she hadn't died in a corner somewhere' xD
- Keidrans don't do engagement rings. (I don't think anyone in Twokinds does? The customs seem to revolve around subtleflowers...)


Some typos an' such:
- As actually a Princess -> Was actually a Princess
- Carefully, scooted -> Carefully, you scooted [I'd guess? I dunno how to greentext really.]
- fired your loaded -> fired your load
- a particularly large and scared wolf -> a particularly large and scarred wolf [unless freudian :P]
- "I don’t think it’s not as bad"
- peaking your head in the door -> peeking your head in the door
- "go a take the tavern"
- "travel Moelygarth"
- "peaked out the door" -> "peeked out the door"
- "it’s a body" -> "it's a boy"
- Writing kinda generally goes off a cliff during the second sex scene. Missing words, incorrect tenses...
- racked -> wracked [AND NOW I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD MENTAL IMAGE]
- que -> cue
- and now I can’t remember anyone of it -> and now I can't remember any of it

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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#6 Post by Dadrobit » Mon Jan 30, 2017 5:45 am

I'm conflicted...

On the one hand, the numerous spelling and grammatical errors, the character inconsistencies, and the inclusion of 4chan terminology and speech patterns are a massive block to me enjoying this piece.

On the other...

I'll be damned if it isn't an intriguing premise that I really want to get behind! :mrgrin:

Pretty much my criticism echos amenon, but with a focus on the disservice done to Clovis being so incapable even early on in his/her term. It's just not very Clovis like to be so helpless.

Much less so to be as forgiving!

Also, goodness gracious did I cringe every time "Anon" was mentioned. It just made it very... uncomfortable to imagine.

Which is too bad, because man I wish I could endorse this! So close, yet so far to being legitimately good.
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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#7 Post by Raydis » Tue Jan 31, 2017 1:46 pm

amenon wrote:I'll take your word for it, so I read it :P

It was interesting, but ultimately I've got too many issues with your depiction of Clovis to really say that I liked it. But, you wouldn't have had to take hugely different lines to get me on board. So it's close to something I'd like, and at any rate, it ain't bad, and it is interesting. I hope you keep doing stuff!

Oh, and it was very readable. Greentext is a pretty interesting format.

Specific reactions/comments and some typos I noticed below:
Spoiler!
Reactions:
- [loud sweating] is a pretty amazing stage direction
- Clovis probably wouldn't need to rely on anyone's co-operation, because magic... but we've never seen the keidrans use mind cotrol, so okay, I'll buy it.
- So why is Clovis bad at handling the bait and tackle, considering he used to have 'em? :P Guess I'll buy it though, it's a bit of a stressful situation.
- If I've been following the sequence correctly, I'm not sure 'planted her feet and lifted herself off the bed' is a valid move. If I try to picture it, I end up with a tumble to the floor -- or possibly a somersault, depending on level of class :P
- Okay, so. So far, more or less so good. But the pregnancy...:
-- Flora started showing after a month, so whatever the keidran gestation period is it isn't nine months. Doesn't really matter; would just change the timescales in the story.
-- Keidrans are actually fertile after heat, not during heat. Honest to goodness plot point in canon. So that'd take a bit more working around, but let's say our anon helped Clovis out a few more times, and then maybe once or twice more after the heat proper because hey, who doesn't want some stress relief sometimes? So workable around...
-- Buuuuut here's the buzzer sound. Yeah, you could get me to buy an accidental pregnancy, but you'd have to spill a good deal more yarn to make me buy Clovis carrying it to term. I guess the thesis is just that abortion is not a thing, but... that's a big ask, so here I am, out of the story, debating myself on keidran society and culture and remedies, both magical and old-wives' :P But yeah, this one I can't come up with an excuse for that I would myself buy, without additional support from the story.
- Clovis would know illusion magic, so the physical appearance wouldn't actually be a problem. (Well, I guess one trope that could be used is that pregnancy interferes with magic.)
- Clovis is too helpless in general. Small bullet point, here in the middle of anything, but actually my biggest complaint.
- The meeting: Clovis is many things, but George Bailey he ain't. I can't quite imagine he did the things he's pointing out out of the goodness of his heart, but rather to get paid -- and so I imagine he did get paid. So what he's doing now actually boils down to simple extortion. Which would be fine, if he's powerful enough to make that move -- would guess not, but maybe he is -- but the scene seems to be trying to play him like a hero. Miscast, miscast, miscast.
- The repeated "I'm fat" trope is sigh-inducing.
- 'colostrum'. We educational, now!
- Considering how easily they could have just gotten a jar, the milking seems contrived. Clovis probably should'a just been more into the idea?
- 'your child was not going to go hungry' is a really solid line.
- Quite probably the first Moelygarth namedrop ever. Proper trailblazing here.
- Redwood doors and a redwood crib? Nice detail.
- Clovis has red eyes, not brown
- 'your fecund princess'. Really? Though I guess I really can't complain about anyone using purple language :P
- Re: Lord of Coins: Nice detail... except Clovis did use the word and the phrase at the beginning of the story.
- 'you wanted the gods to be jealous' - another really solid line.
- 'and remind the world that she hadn't died in a corner somewhere' xD
- Keidrans don't do engagement rings. (I don't think anyone in Twokinds does? The customs seem to revolve around subtleflowers...)


Some typos an' such:
- As actually a Princess -> Was actually a Princess
- Carefully, scooted -> Carefully, you scooted [I'd guess? I dunno how to greentext really.]
- fired your loaded -> fired your load
- a particularly large and scared wolf -> a particularly large and scarred wolf [unless freudian :P]
- "I don’t think it’s not as bad"
- peaking your head in the door -> peeking your head in the door
- "go a take the tavern"
- "travel Moelygarth"
- "peaked out the door" -> "peeked out the door"
- "it’s a body" -> "it's a boy"
- Writing kinda generally goes off a cliff during the second sex scene. Missing words, incorrect tenses...
- racked -> wracked [AND NOW I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD MENTAL IMAGE]
- que -> cue
- and now I can’t remember anyone of it -> and now I can't remember any of it
First and foremost, thank you for the honest critique. While it always nice to hear kind words, I needed some proper feedback more than anything.

And now, a few half-hearted attempts to defend my story direction choices:
-I couldn't quite get a picture in my head of how I wanted Clovis position during their *ahem* "meeting". I couldn't come up with something that had him clinging but also still have leg movement so I just kinda threw my hands up and put him in the oddball sitting pose.
-Tom's been vague on the gestation time on Keidran (unless it came up it a forum post I missed) so I just defaulted to the bog standard 9 months
-The line of "You wanted to think this was another secret rendezvous" was to imply this had started to become a regular thing up until Clovis started developing symptoms
-Initially, I had thought about exploring the idea him considering an abortion, but it kinda sat a bit dark (especially since nothing like that's come up in the comic) so I just opted for a slightly lighter tone of him wanting to toss the child off the a nanny and effectively abandon it
-I wanted to paint Clovis as trying to be in control/power, but given even his comic iteration is stuck behind the curtains, I wasn't really sure how to depict it and went with the meeting scene. To add, it wasn't meant to paint him as a hero, more a "I have you by the jewels, and you will answer to my demands" kind of moment
-We needed lewd, no jars allowed!
-To be honest, the few scans I had seen of him messed with his eye color, making the appear more brownish than red. Still, honest mistake
-The Prince/Princess/Lord thing is the one detail I'm the most ashamed of getting wrong. I didn't realize he had a word lock on "Prince" until after I had made and posted that section and someone pointed it out. Sadly, I forgot to edit it out and it wound up in the "final product" (It WILL be edited, I just need to find a proper replacement line)

And most importantly, thank you for spotting the grammatical errors. I had skimmed the document to try and catch them, but it seems I wasn't thorough enough (or maybe the partial illiteracy I may or may not have is to blame).
Spoiler!
I do have another piece made, but it was just a short one off between Sythe and a Keidran'd Nibbly. Considering it was rushed, it's probably a level of quality even worse than this
"I used to feel like a man in a woman's body...then my mother gave birth to me."

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Re: 9 Months with Clovis (NSFW)

#8 Post by amenon » Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:35 pm

Raydis wrote:First and foremost, thank you for the honest critique. While it always nice to hear kind words, I needed some proper feedback more than anything.
Happy to provide it, since I know very well how incredibly rarely people give it. (Completely unrelatedly, you wouldn't have happened to read any of my smut, would you? :P)
Raydis wrote:-I couldn't quite get a picture in my head of how I wanted Clovis position during their *ahem* "meeting". I couldn't come up with something that had him clinging but also still have leg movement so I just kinda threw my hands up and put him in the oddball sitting pose.
Well, I guess you accurately conveyed that, in a sense :grin:
Raydis wrote:-The line of "You wanted to think this was another secret rendezvous" was to imply this had started to become a regular thing up until Clovis started developing symptoms
Looking at the bridge from part 1 to part 2 again, I just don't think the implication is there. "Life more or less returned to normal" has more weight. "You did your usual round of chores"
Raydis wrote:-Initially, I had thought about exploring the idea him considering an abortion, but it kinda sat a bit dark (especially since nothing like that's come up in the comic) so I just opted for a slightly lighter tone of him wanting to toss the child off the a nanny and effectively abandon it
It's a tricky bit for sure, but I think it's load-bearing as far as the story is concerned. Too big an unanswered (or unasked) question.
Raydis wrote:-I wanted to paint Clovis as trying to be in control/power, but given even his comic iteration is stuck behind the curtains, I wasn't really sure how to depict it and went with the meeting scene. To add, it wasn't meant to paint him as a hero, more a "I have you by the jewels, and you will answer to my demands" kind of moment
I think you had some movie scene in your head, though I can't name it specifically. (I mentioned George Bailey earlier, but there's better matches lurking out there somewhere that my brain refuses to place.) At any rate, at least for me the scene registers as trying to invoke the 'shaming selfish [censored] to pitch in' archetype, rather than the 'hello this is me blackmailing you' archetype.
Raydis wrote:-We needed lewd, no jars allowed!
Clearly, but the story still has to support the lewds, or someone like me is going to 'Well, that doesn't make sense.' :P And the story specifically mentions jars, calling attention to the fact that it would be a perfectly viable solution.
Raydis wrote:-The Prince/Princess/Lord thing is the one detail I'm the most ashamed of getting wrong. I didn't realize he had a word lock on "Prince" until after I had made and posted that section and someone pointed it out. Sadly, I forgot to edit it out and it wound up in the "final product" (It WILL be edited, I just need to find a proper replacement line)
I can't guess if he really does or not, in the canon, so the only problem is internal consistency. (And going with the interpretation that he does have that problem is more interesting than the alternative, so it's a good pick.)
Raydis wrote:And most importantly, thank you for spotting the grammatical errors. I had skimmed the document to try and catch them, but it seems I wasn't thorough enough (or maybe the partial illiteracy I may or may not have is to blame).
That's just what jumped out at me. If you ever want to go hardcore on a spellcheck, try reading the text out loud.
Raydis wrote:
Spoiler!
I do have another piece made, but it was just a short one off between Sythe and a Keidran'd Nibbly. Considering it was rushed, it's probably a level of quality even worse than this
Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like.

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