[FWC 16] Ascension

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[FWC 16] Ascension

#1 Post by Myperson54 » Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:46 am

On one hand, I'm really sorry for the length, and on the other hand, it's finished. If anyone has any suggestions for me in the day before submissions are closed, let me know and I'll make edits.


There isn't much, but expect some language and a bit of violence. I tried to keep it relatively non-graphic.
Ascension - Google Drive
Ascension - Mirror

EDIT (12:11 PM) - Links have been updated with the most recent revision.
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Re: [FWC 16] Ascension

#2 Post by Jarlath » Wed Nov 30, 2016 3:08 pm

Wow.. 12,500+ words... Little bit longer than a short story...

Couple spots are kind of off...
Use of bracketed sentences to denote background info/internal feelings, when you otherwise use italics for personal thoughts.
Corona only vaguely recognized him, but based on his name he could only be Gregor Wulff,
Based on his name?
it was the fastest ship in the fleet - potentially in the world, with maneuverability and firepower to match.
The Ascension was built for speed, not truly for battle.
A small bit of discrepancy/irregularity.

Just my personal opinion, take it for what it is worth.

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Re: [FWC 16] Ascension

#3 Post by Myperson54 » Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:04 pm

Those are great points, thanks for letting me know. I've been writing so much that my proofreading went out the window.

My reasoning behind using brackets sometimes and italics in other cases was that they appear in slightly different contexts: I used italics when a character is thinking literally in those words but I used brackets to denote opinions or events that are more narrative. I'm talking in those parts, not the character (at least not directly)

Unless you have a specific suggestion for what I should be doing with those bracketed parts, I'm not sure what else to turn them into. It felt like if I were to italicize them, those sections would have to be written in the characters' voices.

I'll edit those inconsistencies too.

EDIT - They're done
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Re: [FWC 16] Ascension

#4 Post by Jarlath » Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:27 pm

Hmm...
Corona nodded and stood up to collect her coat. Riley understood her more than most colleagues; they weren’t what most would call “close friends”, but nonetheless, they understood each
other as if they’d grown up in the same town. (Nothing could have been further from the truth; Corona’s family was pure Candida, but Riley was from the north.) He knew about her difficulty with crowds, and while she suspected this was actually why he’d brought along the bread, she kept silent on the matter.
In this case the bracketed section seems to be either filler, or character notes. My take incorporating your "notes" into the descriptive phrasing.
Corona nodded and stood up to collect her coat. Riley, in spite of her northern origins when compared to the pure Candida background of Corona's family, understood her more than most colleagues. They weren’t what most would call “close friends”, but nonetheless, they understood each other as if they’d grown up in the same town. He knew about her difficulty with crowds, and while she suspected this was actually why he’d brought along the bread, she kept silent on the matter.
Again. No issues with the Italics representing personal thoughts, just found that the brackets are more of a character reference (Think of it as a tool/footnote in character development or an interaction chart).

When I read I want to read it and imaging it like a movie in my mind. I can imagine the Italics/thoughts of the character fine, but everything else needs to describe the imagery/scenario/situation.
A background/chapter setup/scene setup with the narrative at the start can work. Many novelists have a character list at the end of the book to give personal background/motives/etc... that cannot be simply incorporated into the book without distracting from the story.

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Re: [FWC 16] Ascension

#5 Post by Myperson54 » Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:37 pm

Yeah, that section in particular was bothering me when I reread it. I opted to just remove the bracketed part entirely because, like you said, it felt more like filler than useful information. Thanks for the explanation, I'll revise my other segments as well.
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