[FWC 16] Change

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red.wolf
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[FWC 16] Change

#1 Post by red.wolf »

Well its really short but I think i got the point through and made it sound good. Hope to here some criticism so i know what to change or improve.


Change
      Cold air rushed through the trees, spilling out into the white trimmed golden abyss of wheat. The stalks danced with a glimmer from the sun that struggled to breach the dark ocean of overcasting clouds. The tips flung to and fro kicking off slight glints of snow that had formed on them. The field was its own world; surrounded on all sides by trees, acting as walls to conceal it from the world. Here, the rest of the world did not matter. The only things that mattered were the events that took place there and then.
      The field was alive in many ways. The wheat took what it needed from the cold earth below it, while an assortment of animals took the wheat for the sustenance they would need to carry on. A chain, a bond, forced on and accepted by all who took part. Animals of all kinds would visit the field; some would stay for the day, or rest for the night. Others would just stop by for a moment, like an old friend checking in just to be sure the field was still there.
      A grand deer broke through the wall this day; brown fur coinciding well with the dark overcast world. The soft brown gave way to a white tail, the only sure way to spot the majestic beast. With complete silence he walked into the field only to drop his head as if bowing to the field that would provide for him this day. His antlers pushed away the wheat from the side of his head as he began to feast on the bounty the field would happily provide.
      A soft snow began to fall, and the winds died down. The hush was only disturbed by the slight sound of the falling snow. The wheat stopped its dance and began to gather snow on its tops once more. The dear continued to graze until a sound caught his attention. A soft but fast sound. A slight thump followed by a rush of air. The deer was alarmed and ran back for the trees but only made it a few feet before collapsing. The great buck felt no pain, no cold, no fear. The life slowly faded from him as the sound of crunching snow approached.
      Above the buck stood a man with a bow. The bow was old, but still shot true. The arrows were crude, but still held the necessary edge. The hunters jacket of a thick leather, lined in furs from past hunts, looked rough but kept him warm. With haste and professionality he began to prepare his kill. With the deer soon to be gutted and the hunters day soon to be over, he got to work.
      The dragging of the gutted deer was no easy task. A lot of meat held a lot of weight, but this was the task he was set out to complete so he trudge on. Through the gate of his village he dragged the deer. The meat would be traded to repay those who had helped him. Some for the carpenter that helped build the hunters home. Some for the tailor that had made his coat. Some for the shop keeper in exchange for tools.
      Although this may seem like a simple hunt and a man willing to share his gains, it is not. The people this hunter would give meat to are people who would provide a service either in the past or the future. They each had a way to contribute to the community but did not expect favors for free. This community was a simple one of doing one's job and doing it well and doing that job for others in exchange for the job they do well. The tailor made cloths, and only made cloths. The hunter hunted, and only hunted. This continued on for every member of the community, everyone had their purpose yet no single person could do it all. The needs of each person were met well before the wants and commodities that may make things more comfortable, but were not needed. Priorities were set.
      This may sound like a fantasy but there once was a time where it was true. It was no fairy tail nor a story of dread or mistakes. The world changed to one of greed and want. The focus fell away from being the best at a single skill and became a goal of being mediocre at as many things as possible. The people of the world changed and adapted to a point of success but continued on that path when the path was already gone. The screams of building our own new path gave us the light to strive for but we did not know how to make this path so mistakes were inevitable.
      With it all, we lost what made us what we were. We lost the instinct, the drive to provide. It is an all too common occurrence now that people feel entitled to what they do not have and decide they deserve it without putting work in for it. The hunter hunting in exchange for the tailor to make cloths is gone. Now a man just expects the cloths without going on the hunt.
      The world has changed, the hunter is gone. The exchange of services is entirely new system; and yet. The field remains. The trees still cut the field off from the world around it. The wind still howls through and the snow still falls. The animals still come and go, but the hunter is no longer there.
The first shot is not the one that matters. The last shot determines everything.

http://twokinds.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=18223---- Both Sides > My Fanfic
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction

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Jarlath
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Re: [FWC 16] Change

#2 Post by Jarlath »

I do like the story concept of tradition being eroded away by advancement. Especially since I hunt.

Which I would argue about the hunter being gone, I do agree about the loss of values and change.
Well done.

Only one thing I see
cloths
clothes (cloths reference fabric, clothes reference garments)

Just my personal opinion, take it for what it is worth.

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red.wolf
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Re: [FWC 16] Change

#3 Post by red.wolf »

Jarlath wrote:I do like the story concept of tradition being eroded away by advancement. Especially since I hunt.

Which I would argue about the hunter being gone, I do agree about the loss of values and change.
Well done.

Only one thing I see
cloths
clothes (cloths reference fabric, clothes reference garments)

Just my personal opinion, take it for what it is worth.
I regret not checking on this more or I would have fixed that. Thanks for putting it out there though, my fault for not noticing.
The first shot is not the one that matters. The last shot determines everything.

http://twokinds.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=18223---- Both Sides > My Fanfic
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction

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