Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#1 Post by Warrl » Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:07 pm

spoiler wrote:2. I am REALLY bad with names, so if people could just randomly spit out names that i could use for people, factions, locations, ect. i would appreciate that.
You do realize that you are going to be severely pun-ished for that request... :mrgreen:

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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#2 Post by Warrl » Fri Feb 19, 2016 5:14 am

Work on sentence length. Even if thoughts are related, there's a limit to how many you can string together in one sentence before you lose the reader. And when it's appropriate to string them together, a comma isn't necessarily the proper way to do it.

Also, capitalize the first letter of each sentence.

An example from this story:
original wrote:after hours of wondering Christopher passed out from exhaustion, and woke to find himself laying in his own bed at home, but Christopher immediately noticed something that bothered him more than anything else, according to his clock he had only slept for 5 minutes.
minor fixes wrote:After hours of wandering, Christopher passed out from exhaustion and woke to find himself lying in his own bed at home. But he immediately noticed something that bothered him more than anything else: according to his clock he had only slept for 5 minutes.

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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#3 Post by kiabugboy » Sat Feb 20, 2016 4:22 pm

how advanced are the technologies in here?

since you mentioned taxis then i assume it'll either be like the modern technologies we have today or more advanced and science fiction-y

also, i found the idea of a vehicle designed for quadrupedal animals to be interesting. perhaps a normal bus to a human would probably be a double Decker one for lions since they don't stand up like we do. i also can't figure out how lions would be able to do normal human stuff seeing that they technically don't have arms, let alone opposable thumbs. i guess the only thing they can use that resembles the function of a hand is their mouth or tail.

oh and i also doodled a lion bus just out of curiosity on what they would look like
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#4 Post by Transient Truth » Sun Feb 21, 2016 8:53 am

For the story part, it might be better that you start off with a single long story. Too many oneshots and short stories tends to clutter your mind.

And also, is there a certain population composition of each fraction?(i.e. Is fraction 1&2 composed specifically of lions? Tigers? Humans? Or a mix of them?)
Is there any racial discrimination in the fractions? Living with huge beasts are taxing.(And the fact that lions did hunt humans for a while before the Golden Age will definitely cause some humans to hate their beastly counterparts.) And the lions/tigers might look down upon humans as they are indeed inferior to them in terms of physical prowess.
We human beings are better than other beasts because we have intelligence. Most other beasts(especially predators) are either faster, stronger or sneakier than us. Unless in the story, the humans living on Tienel are more intelligent than their lion and tiger counterparts, and devised machines earlier, the lions and tigers may harbor a sense of superiority to the humans on Tienel.

However, I'm actually a bit confused at the Tienel-Earth relationships. So, if I surmised everything correctly, Tienel is located in an alternate universe, separated from us. So... is Tienel in contact with the Earth in our universe(Christopher's universe) or the Earth in the alternative universe(where Tienel is located)?
And what is exactly the relationship between Earth and Tienel? Are they allies? If so, with which fraction?(i.e. If fraction 1 went to war with fraction 2, who would Earth support?) Are they neutral to each other? If Tienel had technology so advanced, why don't they invade Earth? (Specifically the tigers. As they were forced underground.) And did any humans migrate to Tienel? And the other way around?

Also, How did the Golden-Age end? Economic depression? Civil war? And what was it like at post-Golden Age? Apocalyptic? Or is everything the same as before? And is there going to be a Silver Age after? Or will the technological advance be stagnated forever?

Also, for the bullet-ships thingy, you can actually take a look at this, this and this. A coilgun/laser works fine for this, however, the 'ship' should have a guidance system. Or else you may get thrown into a lake and drown there.(Although if you can calculate the trajectory precisely then that wouldn't be an issue. A bullet-ship crashing in the middle of a city is a cause for concern though. It can collapse buildings and such.)
It isn't too hard to install a parachute to slow the descent of the ship, no?(If you don't do something you must land in the water, or you will get smashed into a paste.)

As for names... Why don't you use some Random Name Generators out there? They are pretty good. (Although they sometimes do give absurd names...) If you do need a few names however, I'm willing to contribute as well.

These are just my opinions on your story, just something that I might think would help. Please take it with a pinch of salt. If you spot anything that I assumed wrongly, please do tell me.

Phew... So many words... I'm going to take a break.
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#5 Post by Transient Truth » Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:47 pm

Alright. Still a few more things to straighten out. Hope you don't mind my incessant rambling.
Spoiler!
there is indeed lots of resentment between the different groups, which is one thing sparking continuous wars, and yes the lions do hold a sense of superiority with some of the more elitist treating humans as nothing more than a servant.
This could be problematic. You would have several in-fraction wars in Fraction 1 due to the mixed population.
4th, Tienel & earth are technically in the same universe, but Christophers story takes place well before first contact.
Sooo... Does that means that Christopher just got transported to a far away planet, rather than across universes? Cool.
7th, the tigers never got the chance, they were already forced underground well before first contact.
You might want to update the timeline up there then. You said First Contact was at Y0, and the Power Struggle at Y200. It is not consistent to what you were saying.
9th, a true world war broke out between all the factions, by the time it had ended almost all the big cities on Tienel had been leveled
So, did Tienel ever recovered? Is it going to be always a apocalyptic world or did the inhabitants rebuilt the world post Golden-Age?
10th, The bullet ships only had guided launches, but they were very precise, and also short lived.
Might want to take a look at this as well. If you make a ship every time and trash destroy it every time, it is extremely wasteful. I'm sure even royal families don't do that...
The coilgun approach can also accommodate guided launches, but you have to install thrusters on the ship.
11th, as for a parachute 11 year old me was kinda dumb at times, so the original design never had one.
Well... Scratch that, Just put some thrusters on it. That way, there is no need for a large amount of fuel. Yet, you can still decelerate.
(Although this thingy here should be used as a interstate/international travelling method. Or else it should be more cost-efficient to use conventional subways/cars. It could be used for short distance travelling, but that just like using a helicopter to reach the supermarket around your home.)
Also, I don't really believe that any Fraction would be purely evil. It is just a matter of perspective. And I'm sure at least a few of the rulers in Fraction 2 are benevolent. If the royal family is indeed so evil, they are going to have to deal with rebellions and uprisings everyday.

And how often is magic used? Unless you count magitech, magic and high-tech don't really stack together well.(If you can do everything with magic, why bother inventing technology?)
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#6 Post by Warrl » Sun Feb 21, 2016 9:51 pm

Transient Truth is almost certainly correct at least to the extent that no group or faction would *see itself* as evil. (Other factions might disagree.) For that matter, even a lich can be a doting father, and a vampire can be a dutiful and loving daughter.

As for tool use and the like, there are really only two basic options that are viable for you at this point:
1) Give all your tool-using animals human-like hands and ignore how impractical they are for quadrupedal walking
2) Ignore how poor paws are for tool-using.

There are a few in-between options. Bears do okay quadrupedally with front paws that are enough like our hands skeletally that Alaska state troopers get special training in telling human and bear hand-bones apart. You might be able to make use of that. (Florence Ambrose's hands are, explicitly, due to tweaked bear DNA. But, Florence is predominantly bipedal.)

However you handle that, if they are tetrapods and quadrupeds or winged bipeds, and also at all technological, they are going to want an alternate way of carrying stuff. And they will be seriously hampered in attempts to simultaneously walk and manipulate an object. Whether they will be more handicapped in the walking or in the manipulation can vary depending on species and circumstances.

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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#7 Post by Transient Truth » Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:13 am

Warrl wrote:(Florence Ambrose's[/url] hands are, explicitly, due to tweaked bear DNA. But, Florence is predominantly bipedal.)
Florence is a genetically modified wolf, not a bear, with an AI infrastructure built in to give her intelligence, a.k.a. the name Bowman's Wolf. But yeah, you had to tweak some DNA to give her opposable thumbs.
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#8 Post by Warrl » Wed Feb 24, 2016 6:39 am

Transient Truth wrote:
Warrl wrote:(Florence Ambrose's hands are, explicitly, due to tweaked bear DNA. But, Florence is predominantly bipedal.)
Florence is a genetically modified wolf, not a bear, with an AI infrastructure built in to give her intelligence, a.k.a. the name Bowman's Wolf. But yeah, you had to tweak some DNA to give her opposable thumbs.
Which tweaking was done in large part by copying the relevant DNA segments from bears. If I'm remembering correctly... I can't find the page, and some articles about the comic are saying the bear DNA was copied to prevent bone deterioration in zero gravity.

I wouldn't describe Bowman's Wolves as genetically modified - more like genetically heavily re-engineered.

(Which is doubly appropriate to Florence, as she's an engineer.)

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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#9 Post by Transient Truth » Fri Feb 26, 2016 3:26 am

Alright... I feel that if I continue to do this, you might need to make a new thread for the story. :wink:
Anyway, a bit about the Link RIng stuff. That's... a really big hole in security. Someone who wants to assassinate the King would only need to look at a screen and they could easily know where the whole royal family is.

They don't have quality TV stations here at Tienel, right? So they have to resort to watching the royal family walk around with their daily lives?
Just joking. But you get the idea. A city with screens that only show where the royal family is seems a bit dull. You usually get advertisements and/or TV show on there... Not just a paparazzi show/propaganda which follows the Royal Family.
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#10 Post by Transient Truth » Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:32 am

Sorry for the late reply.
There is no surefire way to prevent assassinations, and a well placed sniper could easily put a bullet through them.(Which, in my opinion, is easier than humans, due to their larger cross section. But that doesn't matters.) And they could also have suicide-bombing operatives closing in the Royal Family's location.
But I'm sure there should be some kind of high-techy thingy to circumvent this in the future. Or maybe the technology has gone so advanced that it doesn't matter to whether the King is in open view for an assassination to occur? Your choice to solving this matter.
I would say it is more realistic for the TVs citywide to have different Link Ring connection, not just the Royal Family. There should be a fair amount of commercials, unless, of course, the TV is provided by the government.
(A small bit of improvement, however, would be to implement different kind of Link Rings. I do believe that there are some lions/tigers, especially humans, who doesn't like to wear a collar.)
The good about this? I would say that this is an extremely original idea. Unpolished, but original.
The bad? Some plot holes here and there, easily filled, but requires attention. And grammar/spelling. You might want to consider finding someone to beta your work.(Or use the auto-correct feature in Word. I tried once without it, and my beta complained immediately. This is, however, not an excuse to not improve your spelling.)
However, full analysis is impossible until this thing progress on. So far, I've only seen the prologue, and what comes after is what determines if this is a good story or not. (This probably tells you that I put a lot of emphasis on plot. I'm indeed biased. :P )
Overall, it is still inconclusive in whether this story is good or bad. The problems I've seen so far are small or easily solved problems. However, I have not seen enough to find any good parts except for your idea (Which already scored you quite a lot of marks, mind you. As it counts towards the plot part.). At this stage, I can only point out mistakes as I come upon them(Some of them, however, may be only my opinion.)
Anyway, I cannot give you a mark yet. I must see more of this, before I can make up my mind. So sorry 'bout that, mate. Hope you do write more though. Although I cannot gauge your piece now, I do indeed hope that more chapters will arrive in the future.
... Of course, with better grammar/spelling and a coherent plot as well. :P
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#11 Post by Transient Truth » Sat Mar 12, 2016 6:23 am

Hey, schradieck. Will you be posting more of this soon?
Cause I have to finish that analysis that was so rudely interrupted.(By myself. S:P )
Cause I really want to see more of this. It is exciting to see where this goes.
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#12 Post by Transient Truth » Sat Mar 12, 2016 7:00 am

Well...
At least I'm following. :grin: My stories sometimes don't even have any readers.(Of course it isn't on this site.)
Anyway, another advice. Maybe it would better if you start a new thread. This thread is actually becoming a little cluttered.(Or you can use the second method I listed.)
Traditional format is that you create a main post for the first few chapters of your story, and then create a few placeholder posts.(Not too much, but it depends on your story.)
Alternatively(Second method), you can put links to specific posts of your story into the first post of a thread. That way, readers can simply click and navigate that way.
Also, I neglected to say that it might be better to have longer chapters, or group chapters together into a big one. While that is not a must, it is more easier(At least for me) to read a single long chapter instead of multiple small chunks of text. I must stress again that this is only my opinion. Some people don't like reading huge walls of texts, but I don't actually have any problems.(Alright. Not huge walls of text. But I generally like longer chapters.)
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Re: Fleeting Dreams (Probably will become NSFW sooner or later)

#13 Post by Tekros » Wed Sep 14, 2016 1:36 pm

Troll often schradiek? S:P
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