Both Sides Tk fanfic- WARNING Violence, Language ect.

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Re: Both Sides Tk fanfic- WARNING Violence, Language ect.

#61 Post by red.wolf » Sat May 20, 2017 5:32 am

That works for me, easy to see the changes. Still working on the new stuff now but ill have it up soon.
The first shot is not the one that matters. The last shot determines everything.

http://twokinds.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=18223---- Both Sides > My Fanfic
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction

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Re: Both Sides Tk fanfic- WARNING Violence, Language ect.

#62 Post by backonninja » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:25 pm

The corrections will be in bold red. I'll make ideas/suggestions in blue, with applicable text in green. Things that I don't know how to fix will be in purple.
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction
Chapter 7: Unbreakable bonds
Cloudy
...
      “We should find Char and get back to camp. We kind of left Audrey alone at camp and I would hate to go back to find out something bad happened to her." As Ghost said this, Char entered the clearing.
      “Hey, you found her, good! Good deal,; now let’s get back to camp and… damn, that Damn! That wolf has seen better days. There isn’t even a stab wound on him,; did you beat him to death?” Char asked as he looked over the body.
      “He had it coming; you don’t threaten to rape anyone I care about.” Ghost mumbled as he and Cloudy began to walk toward camp. The camp wasn’t far from the stream, so they were there rather quick. When they broke through the trees and entered the camp, the burnt corpse of a wolf lay in the middle of the camp. Audrey stood strong near her tent, her hands still engulfed in flames from the spell she had cast to kill the bandit.
      “Y’all are some brutal killers you know that? I go from ghostGhost beating someone till all their bones are broken, to quiet little Audrey burning someone to death. I am impressed though.” Char announced as he looked over the new corpse.
...
      <I hinted to him how I feel about him; I even tried to play the sexy card down at the river. I can’t tell if he feels the same as I do, or if he’s just nice and enjoys finally having company. There was some passion behind him when he killed that wolf, but was it because he loved me, or cared for me as part of the group. I wish I could just get the guts to ask him, but if he doesn’t feel that way, the awkwardness might drive the group apart. O godsOh gods, please help me figure this out.>
      TheAs the final fish was filleted so, Cloudy decided to try to get Ghost away from camp and open up to him. With luck he would feel the same and all the walls would come down. Ghost had just gotten back with Char. They had been scouting out the forest a bit so they could move on the next day.
“Hey Audery, come out her here, will ya.” Ghost yelled over to Audrey’s tent. “Ok, so we found a small settlement. It’s just an inn and a smith, but they are neutral. Apparently their bar does rather well so we thought we might get some rooms at the inn, and we'll hoist a few. Think of it as a party to celebrate new friends.”[/paragraph]
      <Change of plans, I’ll talk ghostGhost into sharing a room with me and illI'll make a move of some kind. Not going too far with this but at least I can let him know how I feel in private. I can also blame the alcohol if it doesn’t go well.>
      “Alright, let’s clear out, pack. Pack up the camp and well move out, hooah?” Ghost said as be begun to pack up his gear.
...
      All questions aside, the group set out of for the inn. It was nearly an hour walk, but the terrain was easy so it wasn’t too stannousstrenuous. When they arrived at the inn, the sound of music could be heard from outside. The sound was loud and different from usual music. When they entered, they noticed glowing orbs were the only light in the bar. The greens, reds, blues and purples of the glow added an odd atmosphere to the bar, yet it seemed more fun than the usual inn.
...
      “It’s pretty obvious why she wants to stay with ya bud, but I’ll go ahead and let you learn it that on your own, three. Three rooms, sir.” Char said as he handed the inn keeper enough money to pay for the rooms.
      The group set their gear in the rooms they chose and moved down stairs to get a bite to eat and a few drinks. The bar was rather crowded, but not over packed. The food was nothing to get excited over, but the ale was good. The bar was known for making its own house rum, which just so happened to be the drink of choice for Char and Ghost back in their crazy days.
      “Go hard boys and girls.” Ghost said as he walked to the groups table with a two handles of rum,.
[Center]...[/Center]
      “Simple, I have an entire carton left because I don’t smoke like the chimney that I’m talking to.” Char laughed as he lit up. “I didn’t come out here to smoke though; I want to talk to you about Cloudy. What’s your plan here, because she's obviously into you and you have done nothing with that? Second, she’s going to pull the sex card on you tonight, I can guarantee that. Now if that’s all your going for, well there you go, but if you actually like and care about her, and want to be with her, don’t take the chance.”
      “You really think she’s not just playing around.? You and I have known each other since the before we were soldiers, you. You know my luck with women.” Ghost said as he looked up to the moon as he took a long drag from his cigarette. “Don’t get me wrong, I have thought about her a lot, but its hard to believe she would want anything to do with me. Human, assassin, former Templar, and she still doesn’t know about our story.”
      “She won’t leave your side; she obviously wants something to do with you. I mean really, did you see her face when we walked out, she was sad just to see you leave for a few minutes. I really don’t even know why our story has anything to do with her,; we're stuck here with no way back, so our story dies with that. What are you going to tell her; yea, were from a different dimension that is futuristic compared to this one. We were in the United States Army, but you don’t know what the United States is. We used guns, you don’t know what a gun is either.” Char laughed as he lit up a second cigarette.
      Ghost took another smoke from Char and let the conversation die knowing that Char was right. Cloudy was great, and what could be hurt by finding out if she felt the same.?
[Center]...[/Center]
      “’atta'Atta boy, no more lonely sniper, or I guess assassin now. Go get her bud.” Char said as he flicked his cigarette butt into the path. Ghost finished his smoke and the duo moved back inside. Something had changed since they left, the table where they had been was now filled with men, both human and Keidran. The guys were pulling the moves out on Cloudy and Audry.
paragraph“Ok, the guys are back, now you see were not here alone. Now kindly go away before I rip your manhood off.” Cloudy announced as Ghost and Char approached the table.

      “OOh, come on baby, if these two are the best you’ve had, you’ll really love what I give you.” One of the humans laughed as he looked down at Ghost and Char.
...
      “You’re really gonna make me do this aren’t you?” Ghost said as he leveled up with the fox. The fox shook his head and got into a fighting stance. Ghost stood in a normal fashion as if he really didn’t care about the fight that was about to happen. The fox threw the first punch toward Ghost head. Ghost dipped out of the way, quickly spinning around and grabbing the fox’s arm. With a grunt, Ghost throughthrew the fox against a wall, followed by a satisfying thud as the fox hit the ground.
...
      <Maybe she does like me, that is one deep stare.>he thought.
...
      “Soooo,... it might be the drink talking but, crap, what was I saying.?” Ghost slurred.
      “You’re the cutest guy I know, and the bestest fighter ever” Cloudy slurred back. Cloudy slurred back.
      “I forget what I was gonna say, I think,... bed is a good idea. “Ghost slurred as he stumbled out of his chair, catching himself on a nearby wall.
      Cloudy didn’t question the idea and followed Ghost up to their room. The short walk sobered Ghost up slightly, at least enough to make simple decisions. Ghost began to take off his gear, all but the shorts he wore under, he sat on the bed getting his bearings back. With a glance Glancing up, he saw Cloudy, lacking any kind of clothing, coming toward him. She knocked him down onto the bed and jumped on top of him.
...
      “Every inch of my body is screaming at me for this, but I won’t do this to you. You're drunk and I care about you too much to take advantage of you. I,... I love you.” Ghost leaned in and kissed her before rolling back onto his side of the bed.
...
End Of Chapter 7 Corrections

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Re: Both Sides Tk fanfic- WARNING Violence, Language ect.

#63 Post by backonninja » Sun Jul 30, 2017 5:49 pm

I know that I said that I wouldn't check chapters 1-5, but I was testing out a new software and it found some errors.
The corrections will be in bold red. I'll make ideas/suggestions in blue, with applicable text in green. Things that I don't know how to fix will be in purple.
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction

Chapter 1: Ghost
...
      “So what's your story? I can tell that you're a bred slave, meant for... well... "special" tasks, but that task in is not assassinations.” Ghost continued, with a rare feeling of wonder in his head. “Okay, here is the deal. You're a bit to too crazed to question right now. So, we'll have to talk later, once you realize I'm not your enemy,” Ghost said as he slipped around another slash from the Keidran and slammed the pommel of his sword into its head. “Although I'm sure you're going to be a little steamed over getting knocked out when you wake up.”
...
Edited by Ardal

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Re: Both Sides Tk fanfic- WARNING Violence, Language ect.

#64 Post by backonninja » Mon Jul 31, 2017 1:12 am

Doing the other 4 chapters.
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction
Chapter 2: Friend or Foe
Ghost

      The sun gleamed into the eyes of the unconscious assassin. Ghost was an experienced assassin and didn’t often sleep in, but he knew his next target wasn’t going to get put down until the moon owned the sky once more. He glanced at the sleeping Keidran that he had tied to the tree. She was odd, a brown feline with black streaks through her fur. She was not a recent capture; she had a distinct distinct breeding pattern that only slavers could create. She was a cat, but had the stripes of a tiger, but the wrong colors. Mixed in with her stripes were spots, and her body was near perfect. She was toned, but not overly muscular, great features, and if he remembered right from the night before, beautiful blue eyes that seemed to peer through you. Her breeding was one of a sex slave, but Ghost had a hunch that she never stood for her line of work. Too strong willed. She was beautiful, but capable, a rare combination.
...
      I need to think of a plan on how to deal with this cat. I’ve been running this assassin gig for too long, and I have saved enough from it to live a good life in retirement at the ripe old age of 19. Still, I can’t live with humans; I’m a traitor in their eyes for my neutrality and Keidran will sooner kill me on sight. Maybe... I can get this cat to travel with me. It would solve my Keidran problem, and my "lonely as hell" problem. Well, I’ll give it a shot when she wakes up. It should be interesting.
      Two more hours passed, and Ghost was startled by a struggling sound from his camp. He quickly finished relieving himself, to run back to find the Keidran Kiedran struggling to break free from her ropes.
...
Edited by Ardal
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction
Chapter 3: Smoke Clouds and a Cause
Ghost

      He pushed on to the gate. As predicted, three wolves stood at the gate in a defensive formation, ready to fight off the attacker. Two males and one female, not much of a defense force. Still, enough to show they are willing to fight. Ghost approached without fear, hoping that the whole "wolves can smell your fear" thing wasn’t true. Ghost drew his blade and lobbed it away, toward the wolves' feet.
...
      “I'm obviously capable of killing you all. The fact that I’m not should be enough to show you all that I'm here with peace in mind. No single human would approach the gate of a wolf village and think it would end well, and I even relinquished my sword. If you have any other bright ideas on how I can show that I’m here in peace, by all means, let me know so I don’t have to knock each and every one of you on your [censored] until I find who’s in charge.” Ghost yelled this to try to intimidate this poor excuse for a fighting force.
...
      "I just need a place to rest and maybe buy some food and supplies. I’ve been roaming the woods for a while and it's not a life I enjoy anymore. If you’ll allow me, I would be more than happy to help out who I can when I can while I’m here. I’m a good fighter and would be willing to protect the village alongside you if you show that I am welcome here."
...
      Great, this is going flawlessly. Everybody is so welcoming, and ready to accept a person for who they are and not their race.
...
      Ghost returned to the guards and readied himself. A moment went by, and the gate started to pulse as the Templars pushed it in. With a fiery explosion, the gate was hurled open. A mage must have blasted it open. The soldier began pouring in, all focused on the small group of fighters that were ready to defend the village. Ghost didn’t waste a moment. As the enemies got close, he lunged forward, jabbing his blade through the chest of a soldier. Pulling his blade, in one swift motion he removed the sword from the man’s chest and sliced through the gut of another. Now, a game of countering. Redirect, stab, slash out, and repeat.
...
Edited by Ardal
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction
Chapter 4: Old friends and Burned Memories
Cloudy
...
      The sounds of death could be heard across the field. Screams of those too weak to fight back rang out every few seconds. Tears began to well up in Cloudy’s eyes. She didn't know these people, but the view was horrifying. She noticed something odd going on near the gate, Templar soldiers being fought off. There was [color=]a[/color] distinct twitch in their movements, as if they were fighting something that they couldn’t stop and were truly scared for their lives.
...
      Without warning, the Templar infantry retreated through the gate like scared sheep. The only person left standing in the village of dead bodies was Ghost. He stood motionless near the gate as he readied himself for the next wave of fighters. Cloudy glanced over at the retreating soldiers and noticed that they had stopped and taken took out their bows.
...
      Cloudy put her hand on his chest, and felt a heartbeat. He was alive, but wouldn’t be for long without help. Cloudy acted quickly, beginning to drag him out of the burning village. Ghost wasn't heavy, but it felt as if no progress was being made. Cloudy looked back to see the crimson trail of blood left behind by Ghost’s wounds. They gleamed in the sunlight. A glance up revealed the trail of blood staining a hellish path to the burning hell that once was a village. The image burned into Cloudy’s mind. This was a sight that could haunt one’s thoughts for a lifetime.

Written by red.wolf
Edited by Ardal
Spoiler!
Both Sides: A TwoKinds Fan-fiction
Chapter 5: An Odd Alliance
Cloudy
...
      Ghost seemed to think a bit before he threw out his crazy idea to Cloudy. “I may be able to help you free her. There is a Templar, a captain actually, that used to work with me to free slaves. He and I used to plan to one day run off and join up with a neutral village, but the Templars started looking to too deeply into what he did in his free time, and I had to break contact with him.” Ghost pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and began writing a note. “If you find him and give him this, he should spring your friend for you. He will have more than enough gear to come along, and chances are, he’ll love the chance to finally get away from the Templars. The only thing is, he’s still a Templar. He won’t kill you on sight unless his friends are around, or if you surprise him so be sure he’s alone when you talk to him. But don’t spook him. The guy can hold his own against me; he knows how to fight, so be careful.”
...
      Okay, find this Captain, and then wait for him to spring my friend. Shouldn't be that hard. The note says his name is James. The description Description says long black hair, about Ghost’s length. Shouldn't be hard to find him, since all the Templars keep their hair so short. He should stick out.
...
      The Templars handed a written report over to the captain as Cloudy slipped into the upstairs window. She was in a spare bedroom, and the door was wide open. Being quiet wasn't going to be hard. She slipped out the doorway that leads to the upper landing of the house's staircase.
      “If you think you can kill me, be my guest to try.” A strong voice echoed up the stairs. How did this guy know she was here? Soldiers aren't usually that alert. As Cloudy walked down the stairs, a view of the man began to appear. He was standing in front of the house's fireplace. On his hip was a curved sword much like Ghost’s blade.
...
      “Audrey, he’s in the tent and he wasn't doing well when I left,” Cloudy said as she her and James entered the tent to remove Ghost. With Ghost placed by the fire, Audrey began to work her magic. The wounds on Ghost began to close and the bleeding slowed. As the last parts of the wounds closed, Audrey collapsed.
...
      “YeahYea, but I’m more excited that you’re doing well. I don’t think I can handle losing the one person I really like.” Cloudy grabbed her muzzle, but it was too late. She had let it slip. Ghost blushed quite obviously with his fair skin.
...
Written by red.wolf
Edited by Ardal

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