Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

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Wynni
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#121 Post by Wynni »

We were playing a champions superhero campaign, and we've been dropped into the Ghostrider movie storyline. The group of heroes includes a bloodmage from the line of Dracula, a six foot Leprechaun tank, a gunslinging force bolter, and my axe weilding teleporting purple tiger chick. We have a nun along with us, whose job is to take the satanic pact back for safekeeping. In this world, God has a more active role in what's going on, and actively protects his messengers (like the npc nun).

So, we know we're going after a demon and his cohorts. We stock up on holy water....lots and lots of holy water: supersoakers, flasks, water balloons, we're stacked with holy water. We get there, and the big baddie mind blanks Ace of Diamonds (the gunslinging forcebolter). I pull him around a corner, and check him over...no response. Now, here's the deal: she has as two of her disadvantages in love (with Ace) and vengeful. This has just kicked both into gear. So, she grabs a flask of holy water, teleports behind the big baddie engaged with the mage and the oversized Leprechaun to the demon pact...and douses it in holy water.

KA- BOOOOOOOOM.

Steel doors are ripped off hinges, the big baddie is vaporized.....and my little purple tiger girl is bounced off the holy shield that whips up around the nun just in time. Luckily, I'm *only* unconscious for a few weeks. The nun picks up whats left of the demon pact, and calmly walks out of the exploded chaos.
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#122 Post by valiare »

I recently joined my best friend's D&D group as a Human Paladin of Kord named Craft Lawrence. In our campaign the Big Bad somehow de-powered and put a bunch of the gods into random people and only needs to kill 5 of the gods to become truly immortal. Our characters have been tasked with stopping him so we're going around collecting these mortal gods before they get killed. The group was exploring a dungeon and right before they encountered my character they ran into a pack of Hyena Men and 1 actual Hyena and were struggling to defeat them. My friend Michael decides that since "we're literally getting our [censored] chewed off" (his character got bitten in the crotch by the Hyena) he's going to try diplomacy. It works, but they have to give someone up and they decide on Vecna. The ensuing dialog occurs between Vecna and the lead Hyena Man

Hyena Man: How would you like to be cooked, on a spit or just thrown onto a large fire?

Vecna: Why do you want to know how I want to be cooked?

Hyena Man: You're a god.

Vecna: And yet, you still want to eat me. So, why do you want to know how I want to be cooked?

Hyena Man: A spit it is! Tie 'im up boys!

And then they tie up Vecna and carry him off to cook and eat. The party then hears several screams coming from the next room and after a few moments my character kicks the door down, brandishing a blood-soaked [censored] Sword. After a few moments of the party staring at my character and my character staring at the party, Michael's character, a Half-Elf Rogue named Gerrick, speaks up.

Gerrick: Where'd you come from?

Craft: Over there. *Points to the room behind him*

Gerrick: Good enough for me. We're finding and protecting mortal gods, wanna join us?

Craft: Sure.

Gerrick: Ballin'

Craft and Gerrick: *Fist bump*

We then head into the chamber I came out of only to encounter a Giant Tentacle Plant Creature Thing (that's seriously the name our DM gave it) and 5 Lizard Men. Craft nearly one-shots one of the Lizard Men and the DM decides to have him kick it in the crotch to finish it off and I roll a perfect 20. The DM decides that, since I rolled a 20,Craft kicked it so hard that the Lizard Man flew through the roof of the dungeon, crashed down through the roof of the Big Bad's Evil Palace of Evilness and landed at his feet.

Edit: I forgot to mention that Kord was with Craft right before he joined up with the party and that we have a caravan that the gods sit in twiddling their thumbs while we go do stuff. Well, after I joined the party Kord walks out of the room, says he's Kord and knows what the party's been tasked with, flicks us off for feeding Vecna to they Hyena Men and making the Big Bad stronger, then hops into the caravan and starts flirting with Aphrodite. (We use a mix of canon D&D deities, original deities, and deities from real life mythology.)
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#123 Post by MandyHabato »

Hey, i'm new here, but i just had to tell this, i thought it was pretty funny. So, in this chat room for this comic with anthro animals, i was complaining about how i was so bored and wanted to rp. After about a half hour of arguing (I wanted to rp in a bar topic that was in the rp site, and they wanted to rp zombies in the comics capital) we finally decided on the zombies. So, it's Captain Wane, A furred and feathered pirate, a blue and bronze badger with wings called Cire, and nine-year old white and green Tigress with wings named Lily, aka me.
So, we were at the bottom of a tower and the zombies were scrambling at the door, the gm was saying teleporters were near the top, and so everyone was freaking out. It went something like this.

GM: The door will only hold a couple more minutes
Captain:(IC) Okay, which way, port or starboard?
Lily(freaking out):FOR SPIRIT'S SAKE, SPEAK NORMAL!
GM: Door breaks XD (sorry!)
Wane: RIGHT OR LEFT!!!!
Lily: -runs off left without them.-
Cire: WAIT FOR US!!! DX

XD it was one of the funniest things I've ever rp-ed. Plus, at the end, we all teleported to some random place and it happened to be over the local ocean.

GM: The teleporter drops into the sea and lily and crie are safely flying
Lily:(about to save Wane)
GM: Wane falls, shaking his fist at Cire, yelling something before being swallowed by the ocean. "I HATE YOU THE MOOOST!!!" *SPLOOSH*
Wane:(Hey!)
Cire:(Thank you!)
Wane: (-punches Cire-)

It was posted in Mic. can probably think of something funnier though. If you want a link to the full thing, just ask. X3
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#124 Post by Twippit »

So I’m back! I have yet another story to share.

I needed to make my DnD nerd-core cousin a present for Christmas, and immediately decided on making a bardic deity based on Jimi Hendrix (a guitar god- get it?), but then from there it kinda morphed into this mock-adventurers’ gift basket thing. Really, it’s just a bunch of gag gifts, both IRL and in-game. Anyone who plays or has played DnD with these items should get it. The basket contained: a grey ouon stone; a used wand of Summon Nature’s Ally I (I used a plain stick); Prismatic Socks (socks with Prismatic Spray and Permanency cast on them); a vial containing a diminutive grey ooze; the Jimi Hendrix stats sheet; and finally, I re-made the Holy Shampoo. I even improved the label thus-

Is your hair dreary and undead? Diabolical ticks and fleas got you down? Gryphon guts caught in your hair again? Celestial Defense 2-in-1 Holy and Blessed Shampoo can defend and repair your hair from these awful misfortunes.

Everyday stresses such as large blasts of fire, massive assaults of goo, various magic affects, and strong wallops to the head can potentially be detrimental to your hair’s constitution and styling. Celestial Defense 2-in-1 Holy and Blessed Shampoo defends your hair from this terrible fate.

Celestial Defense 2-in-1 Holy and Blessed Shampoo uses top-notch spells and spell-like abilities to imbue the product with an aura of law and goodness. Using only the clearest water from the sacred pools of the first layer of Celestia and the finest nutrients from the blessed gnomish forest of Dothion, Celestial Defense 2-in-1 Holy and Blessed Shampoo shields the outer layers of your hair while imbuing the inner layers with divine strength, leaving your hair bouncy, shiny, and wavy even in the midst of the fiercest of battles.


SPELLCASTER GENERAL’S WARNING: TESTS SHOW THAT ACTUALLY APPLYING THIS PRODUCT TO YOUR HAIR WILL RESULT IN A 13.775% CHANCE THAT YOUR HAIR WILL CATCH ON FIRE, PERMANENTLY SOLIDIFY, OR COMPLETELY DISINIGRATE. IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVERESE SIDE EFFECTS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THAT STATED ABOVE, PLEASE SEE YOUR LOCAL CLERIC IMMEDIATELY AND PRAY FOR YOUR LIFE. DO NOT CONSUME UNDER ANY CURCUMSTANCES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Hey. Been a while. I'm on discord at Twippit#9645. See ya around sometime, maybe.

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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#125 Post by Insomniac »

Keeping this ol' thread alive, not with a story of my own, but with one of those from The Spoony One, formerly Tandem the Spoony. Vegan Steve and the Djinni of Jengai Fomogo
[Edit]The worst string of dice rolls ever! I'm trying to wrap my head around the astronomical odds...
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#126 Post by Flyboy1945 »

Those players, by far, have the WORST RP luck in the entire history of mankind.
Just don't think about the odds, it makes the pain in your brain less severe.
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#127 Post by Schrodinger »

Okay I have to share the story of the first time I played 4th Edition D&D. I played a fighter and was chasing down a half-orc bandit attacking it for non-lethal damage. I crit failed. Now our DM did not have a botch table at the time so I had to roll a save to see how badly I messed up if at all, I crit failed the saving throw. So my character wound up taking the half-orc's clean off. With a spiked chain.

To quote my fighter, "I meant to do that."
What was it the spider said to the fly...

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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#128 Post by TheDragonfiend »

the first time i played dnd i overkilled a harp BIGTIME i was a caster and caught in its claws so thought okay i have one hand free cast some speels so i blinded it by making the hrpy itself emit a huge light (cant remember the spell) then i tried to drench its feathers o weigh it down but it dodged because a massive block of water just appeared above its head. then i threw a oil flask at it as a last ditch attempt to kill it and gots it covered in oil then a nearby archer shot it with a flaming arrow removing its feathers then both me and the harpy fell to the ground leaving a crater and i survived as i was epic :)
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#129 Post by Akira110 »

One time while playing D&D or AD&D, I decided to make a Mage. Well back in those days we didn't have an HP rule that multiplied HP by Constitution, instead it was whatever you rolled, and your Constitution or class determined how many sides the dice you rolled for your HP had. Well my stats were pretty pathetic, my highest, being my Intelligence stat... which was 7. Well the game started out in the winter and we bought all the supplies we would need to get to the next city. The moment we step out of the city the wind picks up and the DM says that we should've slept in the inn to wait for morning. So he rolls dice to see if we take cold damage, and I'm the only person that took cold damage... exactly six damage when I only had four hitpoints. We didn't have the rule that said you fell unconscious at Zero hitpoints back then, so my Mage character literally died because of a breeze.
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#130 Post by SekerutaHeruta »

I fondly remember OHK'ing 3 enemies in a row, one of which was the stage boss.
Good times.
(I was broken as f**k back then.)
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#131 Post by TheDragonfiend »

My favourite moment after the afforementioned dnd thing is when in zombies i tried to pistol whip a zombie to conserve ammo and rolled a 1 causing my char to trip i then mis fired and rolled to hit... I rolled and got a headshot :mrgreen:
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#132 Post by TheNewGirl »

So my friends and I played a couple of games of dark heresy recently. In our first game, we were on a ship during warp transit when the whole thing shut down. After a few scary encounters, we managed to reach a clear objective: take the cooling units from the gheller field (the thing that keeps all the big bad demons from nomming the ship) and attach them to the main engine instead. While we were cutting the cooling units free, this hoard of small creatures called Nurglings attacked us and killed an NPC party member. Another party member, a Sister of Battle, tried to take his gun before it was buried by Nurglings, and failed a few times. Later, the Nurglings taunted her with it. She managed to grab it, but they took the ammo magazine, so she dove into the (now tiny) hoard, which promptly pinned her while one ran off with the magazine. Our entire party wasted valuable time trying to get that mag back (we never did), and as such utilized our valuable demon-free time getting taunted by small creatures. At he end of the game, the Sister didn't manage to get into the safe room in time. As she waited for demons to eat her soul, a Nurgling appeared from a ventilation shaft, offering her the magazine- which had been empty this whole time, btw. She declined the offer, telling it to keep it. It promptly raised it victoriously above its head, shouting "ITSMINEFOREVER!"

We also, at one point, ran into an NPC who was puking because of the horrors he saw on the ship. We bundled him up, took him with us, and named him Pukey.

Our second game had a strict 6 hour time limit, and at the beginning we found ourselves in a medical facility with no memory and no gear. We spent all of our time looting, only killing enemies to steal their stuff. We didn't make it off of the first floor of the building, and it wash until later that we found out if we had quit looting and gone where we were supposed to go we would've gotten our gear back. The GM had planned a 5-level adventure, and we didn't even complete the first one.
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#133 Post by Insomniac »

Well, it's been a goodly long while since this thread was last posted in. HERE WE GO! CLEAR!

[9:44:47 AM] Neko: Then again, you are effectively our white mage
[9:45:00 AM] Neko: Pissing you off might lead to no healing for the trickster
[9:46:39 AM] Brennan Hearn: Exactly.
[9:47:24 AM] Brennan Hearn: And I'm not just your white mage. I'm also the guy with a +3 dexterity modifier and a feat that lets me use that with my d4 whip and my d6 rapier.
[9:47:48 AM] Neko: Don't worry, Kitsune are also artists
[9:48:17 AM] Neko: One moment, you might find a wild and playful creature, the next, he's painting
[9:51:52 AM] Brennan Hearn: One moment you're writhing in pain from a botched attack and a successful counter attack crit, the next I'm deciding whether to give you a 3d6 heal, plus a 1d8+3 heal, and even a 2d8+3 heal if necessary.
[9:52:17 AM] Neko: I
[9:52:19 AM] Brennan Hearn: My advice? DOn't fumble.
[9:52:26 AM] Neko: *I'll be sure to never piss off the cleric
[9:52:43 AM] Brennan Hearn: Brennan Hearn pats the foxeh on the head. "Love you too."
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#134 Post by Akira110 »

Insomniac wrote:Well, it's been a goodly long while since this thread was last posted in. HERE WE GO! CLEAR!

[9:44:47 AM] Neko: Then again, you are effectively our white mage
[9:45:00 AM] Neko: Pissing you off might lead to no healing for the trickster
[9:46:39 AM] Brennan Hearn: Exactly.
[9:47:24 AM] Brennan Hearn: And I'm not just your white mage. I'm also the guy with a +3 dexterity modifier and a feat that lets me use that with my d4 whip and my d6 rapier.
[9:47:48 AM] Neko: Don't worry, Kitsune are also artists
[9:48:17 AM] Neko: One moment, you might find a wild and playful creature, the next, he's painting
[9:51:52 AM] Brennan Hearn: One moment you're writhing in pain from a botched attack and a successful counter attack crit, the next I'm deciding whether to give you a 3d6 heal, plus a 1d8+3 heal, and even a 2d8+3 heal if necessary.
[9:52:17 AM] Neko: I
[9:52:19 AM] Brennan Hearn: My advice? DOn't fumble.
[9:52:26 AM] Neko: *I'll be sure to never piss off the cleric
[9:52:43 AM] Brennan Hearn: Brennan Hearn pats the foxeh on the head. "Love you too."
To be fair, I'm playing a Kitsune, they're both tricksters and artists.
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#135 Post by isstmich »

I was a spectator in a Game of fate not too long ago. the game was set in Sci-Fi outer space. they chapter of the GM's story was coming to an end and it was the climatic battle between he captain of a military exploration vessel and the Hive Queen. The captain realized he was going to lose and this is the resulting escape conversation.


Captain "well [censored] we are going to lose lets leave. BACK TO THE SHIP!"
me "isnt your captain a self proclaimed playboy and ladies mans?"
Paul (captain) "yeah he is so what?"
me "the alien queen is a curvy female type thing"
Paul "so that puts me at a 1 to escape?"
Captain "i dont have time to spare thats my ship!
me "so your using your greed to escalate the situation and give yourself +2?"
paul "hell yeah"
me "your rank as a military officer demands you try to recruit the space queen or destroy her so other cant, your back to 1."
paul "FUUUUUUU fine ill try to seduce the sexy bug queen."
Queen "you think im sexy?"
Me "the queen is insecure with her body because of how many offsrping she has had your at 5 to escape."
Captain ".... BACK TO THE SHIP!"

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