Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

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TheDragonfiend
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#136 Post by TheDragonfiend »

isstmich wrote:I was a spectator in a Game of fate not too long ago. the game was set in Sci-Fi outer space. they chapter of the GM's story was coming to an end and it was the climatic battle between he captain of a military exploration vessel and the Hive Queen. The captain realized he was going to lose and this is the resulting escape conversation.


Captain "well [censored] we are going to lose lets leave. BACK TO THE SHIP!"
me "isnt your captain a self proclaimed playboy and ladies mans?"
Paul (captain) "yeah he is so what?"
me "the alien queen is a curvy female type thing"
Paul "so that puts me at a 1 to escape?"
Captain "i dont have time to spare thats my ship!
me "so your using your greed to escalate the situation and give yourself +2?"
paul "hell yeah"
me "your rank as a military officer demands you try to recruit the space queen or destroy her so other cant, your back to 1."
paul "FUUUUUUU fine ill try to seduce the sexy bug queen."
Queen "you think im sexy?"
Me "the queen is insecure with her body because of how many offsrping she has had your at 5 to escape."
Captain ".... BACK TO THE SHIP!"
Wouldve chosen the queen myself... tsk tsk tsk.
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MrFlyingAmoeba
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#137 Post by MrFlyingAmoeba »

We, a team of spec ops, were trying to break into a compound to steal something guarded by highly trained professional mercenaries. Clustered along the far side of the razor wire fences, we were nervously trying to figure out how to get inside without alerting the snipers on the watchtowers. Suddenly, the GM rolls several critical failures in a row, and the nearest sniper trips and falls out of his watchtower.
Red Mage Statscoski wrote:That is not how we do things around here, buddy. First we have to argue incessantly over semantics.

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Twippit
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#138 Post by Twippit »

Okay, so I go and steal a macguffin from a castle in a new DnD campaign. Kingdom from said castle FLIPS OUT. Minor problem; I live in this town, with this castle. So the castle guards go from house to house searching for said macguffin.
Well, the party druid, who is also the son of Vulcan (Roman version of Hapheastus, god of engineering, for those not it the know), also lives in town. The druid trapped the [censored] out of his house. It's insane. The player even wrote up a floor plan complete with all the traps and corresponding damage. It'd make for a pretty lethal dungeon, actually. Also, keep in mind that being a druid, all the traps are made entirely without metal.
But anyway, the guards get to his house. The correspondence goes much like so;
"Open in the name of th' Duke!"
The druid replies, "Eyy man, I was jus' havink some brekfas', man, I don' wan' open no door for you." (The player wanted the druid to be a Mexican, for some reason. The player does an excellent Mexican accent.)
"I said open in the name of th' Duke! We are under orders to search your house!"
"Eyy, no way, Jose. I am not letting you into my 'ouse, man."
"Open! In the name of th' Duke! I WILL KICK THIS DOOR DOWN!"
"Eyy 'omes, I don' think you wanna do that-"
"LAST WARNING! WE WILL KICK THIS DOOR DOWN IN THE NAME OF TH' DUKE!"
"Your funeral, hombre."
DM: They kick the door down. (rolls) Strength check, rolled a 28.
Player: A 28?
DM: Yes. Does that knock the door down?
Player: (checks his notes) It's exceptionally springy. It not only knocks down the door, but the door flings back up and smacks the one in front for... (rolls) 23 non-lethal damage.
DM: What.

Well, that dude was knocked out cold. The two guards with him decided to ask very politely to search the house ("You don't bother yourself with getting up! Just enjoy your breakfast! We'll let ourselves in!"), and the druid warned them not to touch ANYTHING. Needless to say, one touched something, got his hand amputated and the search was over.
Hey. Been a while. I'm on discord at Twippit#9645. See ya around sometime, maybe.

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Akira110
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#139 Post by Akira110 »

I was just playing a game of Dungeons and dragons as a rogue, and a Paladin had done 7 damage to an ogre and our sorcerer does 5 damage to it. So I do a backstab and roll a critical hit and I roll max damage, 12 for the crit. And then roll a four. My character finds an opening, runs towards the carriage, jumps off of it and plunges his sword into the Ogre's head. The sword comes out of the of the ogre's mouth and my rogue slides down, the ogre, damn near cutting it in half. Covering my character in blood, shocking him greatly. He's covered in blood and standing in shock.
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EvilNinjadude
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#140 Post by EvilNinjadude »

Twippit wrote:The druid trapped the [censored] out of his house. It's insane. The player even wrote up a floor plan complete with all the traps and corresponding damage.
Link pls.

Also, Amoeba, I know next to nothing about RP. Where does all this happen? How is it done? Etc. Can you PM me answers if you have time?
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Akira110
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#141 Post by Akira110 »

I was playing DnD and at level 4, our boat was attacked by a water elemental. So one round happens, the person that I'm teamed up with and I load the ballista. The next round, I roll 3 crits in a row. And in one freaking turn, we unleash the ballista bolt and this is a CR16 creature, we do MASSIVE damage and oneshot this creature, which by the way is built for level 16 characters, on the FIRST player character attack in that round. The DM was pissed at this, because he had something fun and my luck killed it in one shot. XD
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LuckyMudman
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#142 Post by LuckyMudman »

So, we're playing DnD and, after a night of being attacked by shadow creatures, everyone on the ship is edgy, and the rogue starts to grapple with a fighter and wrestles the rifle from the fighter (after rolling a 1 and getting stabbed by the bayonet). The rouge (Akira110) then proceedes to THROW the rifle at a GOLEM, telling it to catch.

The rifle hits the golem in the chest and falls to the ground, and only after that the golem spreads his arms.

DM: Seriously? A golem? Catch a delicate instrument?
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isstmich
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#143 Post by isstmich »

This is what happens in DnD when the GM knows you too well.

During Character creation.
Me: so we can use any race?
GM:yes for the 5th time ANY RACE.
Me: even something that isnt techicnaly possible?
Gm: for the love of god yes, what stupid idea did you come up with now?
Me: i want a Humanoid sized and Shaped golem fighter with plate proficiency.
GM: * looks like about to face palm*
Me: and i want to be a duel shielder
Gm: why would you want that thing to duel wield?
me: duel SHIELD SSSH SSH shield. i want a tower shield in my off hand and a buckler in my main hand. ill be flank proof and do non leathal damage while i punch you with my Buckler.
GM: *face desks* thats the stupidest thing you have ever said. literally!
me: do you allow it?
Gm: you get a move range of 5 feet in combat and can only speak in Ancient elven Runes.i also want your Golem to be pretty big, like the size of the Golems in dragons age.
me: ok, so im slow as frozen hell, and only high ranked magic users with magical language skills and history know what im saying?
Gm: yes you can move one square at a time and in order to talk you have to first write it down then who wants to talk to you has to make several rolls on interpretation then if they pass you can pass them a note, if they fail i get to edit what you wrote,and your Character is a 2X2 figure.
Me: sounds fine to me.




Several weeks later: in a narrow hallway filled with skeletons and bowmen.
Wizard: i get behind the golem cast levitation and walk it forwards into combat.
Gm:*facepalms*so stupid

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bond84
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#144 Post by bond84 »

Lolzing around with my DM buddy, he allowed me to join in literally right at the end of an ongoing RP just in curiosity of what I might do.
Asking quickly enough for the guide I skimmed through and declared to be a bard, to which everyone's dismay they hated me for.

DM: Alrighty, final boss. Before you is a gate of fog, barely visible behind it is the dark mage himself. The gate appears to protect you from his sight and from any magic he might do harm to you. Perhaps out of honor.
Paladin/White Mage/Knight: We rush in to attack!
DM: Bard?
Me: I decide to wait behind
Paladin/White Mage/Knight: *All rush in and almost immediately die*

All of them at this point are yelling at me for not doing aura's and such, I'm still sitting here reading through every rule in my buddies book for this. Upon getting near the last page of the bard something catches my eye and I pull out my phone, I can't stop laughing this entire time.

Me: I offer my soul.
DM: To what?
Me: A duel!

At this point I've managed to find The song I need for this occasion. It was actually IN THE RULES to play this while doing this. Failure to win by the end of the song meant instant death.
Everyone else in the party is looking at me like I"m insane until...

DM: Accepted. The devil has been summoned.
Me: I play an inspiring tune and smash him with my instrument upon hitting the last note.
DM: ...You realize you LITERALLY have to get a 20 right?
Me: Yup.

Manage the 20, I get a single wish. Everyone is sitting there freaking out and the paladin starts chanting

Paladin: Revive me, I'll revive everyone else! I can do it!
Me: I wish for a golden fiddle.

At this point, the DM literally takes the book from my hand and after looking through for a few minutes sighs and nods his head.
It's literally the strongest weapon in the book. The requirements for getting it though were so obscure you would have to be insane to even attempt it. Because the DM let me just jump in, I was able to start with those items after asking.
I proceed to one shot the boss and proceed to victory.

Needless to say, I love the bard.
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isstmich
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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#145 Post by isstmich »

This happened last night. our group consisted a bard, 2 barbarians, 1 monk, a cleric, 2 rangers. we just snuck into a pirate stronghold and got an ambush round on them . we encountered 30 pirate chumps, in the ambush round we killed 5 pirates outright then the actual combat round started after we killed another 3 pirates all the pirates got their first round and had to make will saves. everyone of them lost and lost the will to fight and tried to surrender. both barbarians raged their first turn and both had to break out of it stop slaughering all the helpless pirates.

1 first one de raged his first try. the second went on a rampage and one of the rangers saw fit to restrian him. he failed and was clinging to the barbarian arm and the barbarian was moving unhindered because of his rage. he kills another pirate

so the monk decided to help and restrain him and failed so now he had 1 guy on each arm and was still unhindered then slaughtered another pirate.

So the bard (me) was thinking maybe i should help. i wait a round and theu both still fail to restrain him and he kills another pirate.

at this point i jump in and try to restrain him and roll a natural 20 on my dex check to bind him, but he rolls a natural 20 on his strength check to break out and his strength mod is higher then my dex so now he has 1 guy on each arm and a backpack as he is slaughering pirates.

we all fail our attempts to stop him and he fails all his attempts to calm himself down so much that he starts to use the guys hanging off his arms to kill the pirates untill they are all dead and his runs out of targets to kill and calms down cuz 10 minutes evenualy passes.

when he comes to his senses the dm says, "you awaken to find yourself covered in a mix of blood, bile, excrement, and slobber wondering why your arms feel so heavy. "

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Re: Jesus saves and takes half damage, RP hilarity here.

#146 Post by Myperson54 »

This story contains graphic detail in a messy form.

NOTE: While I've obviously editorialized here, the vast majority of the conversation is original, only edited for clarity or to make the story flow better. There's a ton I left out and a few things that didn't happen as they did here. In the words of Dylan Brody, it's true enough.

Myself and a few others on the forum have been playing an RPG called Anima for a while, and it's loads of fun. A good deal of that fun consists of over-the-top nonsense that we find ourselves doing.

Our party includes:
  • Myself as Sal, an agile dual-swordsman;
  • y7 as Claire, our tank;
  • Lief as Erin, our archer and more-agile single swordsman;
  • And Amoeba as Ivy, our fireball-wielding mage.
Some things to note: Sal can walk on any surface with the structural integrity to hold her, regardless of orientation or shape. She and Erin are both extremely fast and agile. Claire is slow but physically strong and can tank most physical attacks, and Ivy is.... Physically un-special, but can see almost anything, even with her eyes closed.

On our most recent adventure, we found ourselves in an abandoned farmhouse. We wandered through the building until we came to the attic, whereupon we discovered that somebody had been trying to summon a demon. This is where our story begins....

The attic was littered with garbage and unmarked boxes, refuse piling up towards the vaulted ceiling like a hoarder's keep. The place was so full, movement was restricted in some areas, limited to narrow paths which twisted and turned among the mess. Large mason jars sat upon the floor and some boxes, containing what appeared to be a preserve of some sort. Claire stepped on one near the entrance to the attic, strewing its contents about and bleeding it into the woodwork.

"Ugh, This is going to take forever to get out of my boot."
"I can clean it, if you want!" offered Ivy. Shaking her head, Claire brushed the idea aside. "I do not think I would get it out otherwise, but that feels like a gross misuse of your abilities." Wading further into the attic, she remarked, "Well, it seems there are more than one of these jars. For what purpose? Some morbid obsession?"
"Blood's a real good way of doing magic, innit?" Ivy asked. Claire nodded silently in grim response. Having only faced their first demon-summoner a week prior, the party was relatively confident in what they were going to find. The question was: Was it going to be alive?

"Smells like the sewers I remember." Ivy wrinkled her nose in distaste.
"I hope there is only a dead cat or other small animal in here," Claire replied, albeit without any trace of confidence in her voice. Erin shook her head.
"Smells worse than that."

Claire eventually pushed her way through the garbage to a small clearing near the back of the attic - or rather, what had been the back at one point. As the crew stumbled in behind her, they lay their eyes on two objects of significance: the first, a locked safe, and the second, a summoning seal.

The seal was surrounded by a plethora of mason jars containing all manner of unsightly things. Blood, bone fragments, human teeth, dead mice, and even a human head occupied the jars, and what didn't was scattered about the floor; Whomever had been here had left in a rush, leaving behind smears of gore and ink in their exit. On top of all that was a body, neatly drained of all its contents until what remained was a shell of skin, muscle, and bone. One or two notebooks, hastily scrawled in, lay ruined by the corpse.

"Well, the current arrangement of body, body parts in storage, and the this all seems to be rather indicative of a ritual murder. Also, Sal, please do not loot the ritually murdered body components." Sal jumped, shooting Claire an innocent look.
"What? No no, I took a jar of preservative. At least, I think it was jam of some sort." Claire matched he look with a flat stare. "Jeez, alright. Morbid curiosity, okay?" Sal said, replacing the jar of blood on the box it belonged to.

Claire and Ivy began to inspect the body, carefully attempting to examine it without disturbing the ritual, in case it were to backfire. Meanwhile, Erin and Sal worked on picking the safe's lock, and after a few minutes of struggle, successfully opened it. Within the depths of the safe lay a bag of coins and a rudimentary handgun with lead shot. "Ooh, neat, a gun. It's not often we see those." Erin picked up the bag of coins, counting them out carefully. "215 Silver... That makes about two gold. Ehh, it's still pretty decent." She shrugged and went to pocket the coins, but stopped at the sound of glass cracking.

"Shush!" Everyone froze at her command. "Heard something downstairs." Sal sighed and crept towards the trapdoor, taking up a position directly behind the ladder. Claire followed suit, moving in beside Sal. "Here, you take the ground," Sal whispered, climbing up the wall and onto the sloped ceiling. Erin nocked an arrow and stood off to the side of the ladder, aiming downwards, and Ivy scrambled into position behind a box.

Peering down below, Ivy sees a man carrying a sizable knife. He's bleeding through his shirt somewhat. The cracking of glass somewhere else in the building betrays the position of another man, apparently dragging a pitchfork behind him. She motioned two to the other women huddled around the trapdoor before returning to the safety of her box. "Wait until he comes to the top, and if he doesn't surrender, I'll tackle him," Sal whispers, tensing her legs in preparation. The man approached the ladder, stared blankly for a moment, then began to climb. As he climbed, the atmosphere seemed to thicken with suspense. Then, as he reached the top, Claire stepped out from behind him and drew a sword.

The man swung his knife violently back into Claire's stomach, only to be stopped by a sheet of magical ice which formed on he clothes. "I would consider surrendering," she said coolly before swinging her own blade...and missing!

Seeing Claire's attack miss its target, Sal leaped from the roof, punching the man in the face and wrapping her arms about his neck. The two plunged to the ground, falling cleanly through the trapdoor and bouncing off the floor below. Stunned, she winced and coughed up a little blood. "That was pretty neat." Beside her, the man she'd tackled was getting up, relocating his arm. He wandered into an adjacent room, muttering curses as he backed away.
"Somehow I knew that was going to happen," Erin remarked to the two upstairs, diving through the hole after the combatants. Unlike them, she made a neat roll upon hitting the ground and popped up without a scratch. "I think we all expected that, on some level." Claire was less subtle. Jumping through feet-first, she smashed into the ground, landing with one palm outstretched. She helped up Sal and the two of them walked into the room after their opponent.

"Do you want to handle this one, or should I?" Sal asked in a nonchalant tone, cracking her neck from side to side. Just then, the man with the pitchfork appeared in the hallway and another ran past a window on the far side of the room. Claire instantly ran off towards the window, drawing her halberd as she ran. Erin, meanwhile, pivoted to face the pitchforked man as Ivy gingerly descended the ladder. "Alright, question answered."

Claire charged at the man outside the window, and rather than open it or find a way around, she vaulted directly through it, headfirst. She landed atop the enemy, running him through as they fell with enough weight that he became pinned to the ground. Claire looked up, heaving with exhaustion from the jump, only to see four more similarly-dressed men approaching the house. She drew a sword as she stood up, dramatically flourishing. "Now, I believe you just witnessed what I can do to you via my demonstration. Would any of you like to surrender before we repeat this process?"

The instant Claire left, Sal ran towards the nearest wall, drawing one of her swords. Sprinting up the wall, she paused and jumped, arcing through the air in a backflip. As she trailed through the air, she brought the pommel of her sword to face her target: The face of the first man. The two hit the ground with such force that the man's body bounced into the air like it was made of rubber, and before it had landed again, Sal was already throwing herself out the window after Claire.

Erin fired off an arrow at the man in the hallway, the force of which was so great it splintered the wood on the shaft and wrenched it out of his grasp. As he fumbled on the floor retrieving it, she fired again, this time tearing through the sinew in his shoulder and cleanly dis-arming him. Erin mock-winced at him. "Whoops. Shouldn't have tried to pick it up again, buddy." She jogged off to join the others, also going through the window.

Ivy watched as all this happened, decided she wasn't yet required, and when the men in the house were defeated, she calmly walked out the front door.
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