Gender Abnormalities and Life Questions

[Rekats Rovert]

Hello everybody! I didn’t see any threads regarding this topic on the front page, so I thought I’d make one, a new one if it’s necessary.

So recently, within the last two months, I’ve reached the conclusion that I am gender dysphoric. Now, in order to decide what that meant, I had to look at myself long and hard to figure out A) why I constantly went up and down in depression and anxiety, and B) what do I really want of myself? And so these two factors collided together to become this: I don’t like being a male. I don’t like social pressures that go along with being male, I don’t like constantly being pressured by media, by peers, to find a wife and be tough, work out, lose your virginity quick and drink lots of beer, don’t cry at things, don’t picture yourself in “pretty” clothes, don’t be sensitive, etc. And so, I felt/feel like I just didn’t belong, as if I’m being torn in two between what I am and what is expected of me.

Now, are all of those things completely ridiculous things to force one’s mentality into? Of course. Is it true that it’s necessary to meet all those standards to be a guy? Absolutely not! So, why worry about it? It doesn’t matter, if you’re who you are and you do what you want, then you can still call yourself a man and like “girly” things or act “girlish.” Right?

Well… it doesn’t work that way for me, I guess. I still felt/feel like I’m not meeting some expectation, and that’s just something that goes along with being a social critter. You live in society, you have some rules. It sucks, but that’s how it is. People only expect “boys” and “girls.” (In some places, though, that trend is starting to buckle a bit.) So that brings up part B – What do I really want to be? And you know, it does go beyond just these airy social anxieties, into the realm of some slippery fantasy. I’d rather be a girl; not because I think there aren’t any of these social pressures (there are actually a TON more, that I’ve seen) but because I feel like I could ‘deal’ with them, in a fundamental way that ‘dealing’ with maleness just scares the crap out of me. So then, I have to decide, do I really want to present myself as a girl? And, the more I thought about it, the more I realized, yeah, I did. Or even just an effeminate man. (It's still a little jumbly in that category.)

Of course that’s probably ridiculous, too. But in the last couple of months since I’ve admitted to myself, “Okay, you know what, self? You’re transgender. Or gender queer. Or some other crazy term they’ve got for oddballs like you,” I’ve felt more content, more confident, and just generally more upbeat about life. It’s probably going to be a rocky and twisty road for me as I explore my possibilities, options, (SRS?? HRT?? MASCARA??) and everything. But I’m ready.

So this turned into a personal essay, fast. Wow. I’m… really sorry.

So, transgender/transsexual/gender dysphoria/sexuality/whathaveyou thread, how about it?

[Hoppy]

Well, this is a deep and personal subject, so you are allowed to make an essay of it, if you want. No need to feel sorry about it. It's also a very complicated sort of thing to discuss, but one which I'd like to hear more about. One of my best friends has a daughter that decided she should have been a man, and has since taken steps to make it so. I haven't spoken to him yet, but I'd like to get a glimpse into what he may have been thinking and why he eventually decided on the change.

So, yeah, let's talk about this.

[Phantom]

I guess this is an interesting topic to talk about. I think today we start to question the rules and mentality that we have had in our society and that we have generated, where as in the past it would have been repressed (In the sense that if someone was queer or out of the norm, they might have just burnt them or accused them of being the devil or something) But today's world is more open and it means people test the boundaries and try out new things. Similar to how children will often test how far they can go with things, push their parents to the limit to see their reactions, with less boundaries today people are more open i would say.

I'd say its a natural process in the development of the society as a whole. It may scare some people due to the fact that we don't like to go out of our safety bubble (What we know exists) but like things in the past, i would not be surprised if in the future things are different.

[Pablomercer]

This is a very interesting topic. Gender is something natural, you born with one. However, the behavior that "we must have" is completely invented by the society. Such things ,unfortunately, can create several problems, as no one of us can completely accomplish it. We grow frustrated and full of doubts. This topic, if the community decide to it take further, will have a lot of pages. It is a very complicated subject. Looking forward to it.

[xamali]

That's very valid topic, and now I can't think why we didn't have something like this up here on the forum before.

Well, I can't say I'm transgendered in any way, or that I don't feel comfortable with my body, or anything of the sort. But I sure as hell can say that I hate the idea and concept and expectations society as a whole have about boys behaving as boys and girls behaving as girls.
As Phantom pointed out, we are today in a very interesting process of questioning and challenging these old concepts, and pushing the boundaries of "boy/girl behavior".

I understand Rovert when he says that we are a social beings, and thus, have to follow some set of rules. Then again, these very rules are everchanging. Not only that, but I can't see the need to meet absolutely every social rule. It's true that I'll contain myself in certain places or with certain people. But that's just the same as I won't use so many curses with my parents as I use when hanging out with close friends.
I found out that I was bi about the age of 15, and have opened myself to my friends around the beginning of 2012. Since then, I've found that acting gay, or girlish or whatever you may call it makes me happy. I've found that if I send the social rules to hell, I can be much happier, acting more as I please, and less to please others. What I found with all of that, is that people around me were happier when I acted more like myself, without any restrains. In other words, the social rules change easily by changing your environment. That allows me to be who I am, act like I feel better, without going against any "social rule".

[Rekats Rovert]

Thanks for your replies!

I think that long, long ago there was something like a "religion and sexuality" thread, but I think it got VERY dramatic and a lot of stepped toes were had. I'd rather avoid the topic of religion as much as possible, here, so that doesn't happen.

[Ironworks]

I feel like a similar topic existed before, but it's been a while if it has.

Feeling alienated due to social norms sucks, I know. Throughout all of highschool I dealt with that whole "fitting in" [censored] that all teenagers are forced to go through, and on a relatable level to you as well. Don't know how old you are, but I can honestly say it ended after highschool almost entirely, so if you're still in that age group you've got something to at least look forward to, as I've found college students don't give a poop. I'm far from the manliest dude myself, and my girlfriend gives me [censored] for it all the time, but it's in good fun. Once you come to accept something as you have already, it's only easier from here out.

Gender is something natural, you born with one.

Heads up, many will consider gender an inappropriate label. "Sex" is usually taken as the biological difference.

[unsteddyPhoenix]

Gender is something natural, you born with one.

Heads up, many will consider gender an inappropriate label. "Sex" is usually taken as the biological difference.

How to phrase this without getting my head bitten off here...I don't really understand why gender and sex need different terminologies.

Well that's probably the wrong type of ignorance i'm expressing there. What I mean is: I don't understand why people of one gender who dislike the societal pressures, norms etc would then choose to identify as the other gender which also has similar societal pressures. You're freeing yourself from your chains, only to imprison yourself with different, frilly ones. The entire concept of "gender" has no function in modern day society; by "changing" and therefore validating the concept of genders you're still kinda...part of the problem to me. I am fairly certain that the pressures on each gender will be disestablished sometime in the future, so why bother identifying as one at all. I can't fathom letting society have that much influence on me as an individual, which makes me think that becoming a transgendered person is an effect caused by some other problem. Which is probably wrong, but the idea of transgenders are so illogical to me that I can't help but believe it.

I am a male. This is because I have male genitalia, and that's it. The idea that I would identify as a male, or female, because of any other reason besides that is just confusing and I don't understand it.

[EvilNinjadude]

I am a male. This is because I have male genitalia, and that's it. The idea that I would identify as a male, or female, because of any other reason besides that is just confusing and I don't understand it.

While I don't have any problems mentioned in this thread, on an abstract level I agree with you. I just realized that that's why I try and avoid assigning gender pronouns to Natani: I used to use "she" because that is what her body is, and assigned all evidence to the contrary to her personality instead. Because I prefer to think of her as a female with an interesting personality. And yes, her desire to be regarded as male does fall into that category for me.

I want to thank unsteddyPhoenix for helping me unravel my thought processes.

[Ethan the wolf]

well i dont want to change but i understand your pain im extremely emotionally sensitive. im not the strongest i dont fit in with what society expects aman to be. altho i do keep many of those traits, virginty loss is not a big deal for guys or girl it seems the world today has to do a lot of sex and that's not all life is. finding a wife or girlfriend you dont need to try its something that happens. i dont think its the same what you believe you are. i take care of my self i honestly am not ashamed to cry or to feel sad over something so little. i dont worry about being manly. ive been taught to hold doors for ladies and i do and other things but as for exceptions off who i am. ive been a real "sissy" to society. i dont care if i cry. i dont quite match the full roles. i dont want to fight people in fact i hate to hurt people.
that being said i think what you are doing is worring to much what society wants you to be and not what you are. society doesnt like furries they dont see it as normal but its how a person is. you dont have to be what everyone describes a man bc they generalize it all.
that thought can make you doother things now its up to you to decide what you are but nothing can truly change your a guy. and same with girls.

[xamali]

well i dont want to change but i understand your pain im extremely emotionally sensitive. im not the strongest i dont fit in with what society expects aman to be. altho i do keep many of those traits, virginty loss is not a big deal for guys or girl it seems the world today has to do a lot of sex and that's not all life is. finding a wife or girlfriend you dont need to try its something that happens. i dont think its the same what you believe you are. i take care of my self i honestly am not ashamed to cry or to feel sad over something so little. i dont worry about being manly. ive been taught to hold doors for ladies and i do and other things but as for exceptions off who i am. ive been a real "sissy" to society. i dont care if i cry. i dont quite match the full roles. i dont want to fight people in fact i hate to hurt people.
that being said i think what you are doing is worring to much what society wants you to be and not what you are. society doesnt like furries they dont see it as normal but its how a person is. you dont have to be what everyone describes a man bc they generalize it all.
that thought can make you doother things now its up to you to decide what you are but nothing can truly change your a guy. and same with girls.

Okay, I really don't wanna be the grammar nazi here... but I'll be a little. It's ok if you have problems with written english, but at the very least be careful to use capital letters. Seriously, it would make you text much better. Also, try to use some comas here and there. At some points I had to stop and read again to make sure of what was being said.

Sorry for stopping the discussion everyone, let's get back to it.

EDIT:

I am a male. This is because I have male genitalia, and that's it. The idea that I would identify as a male, or female, because of any other reason besides that is just confusing and I don't understand it.

While I don't have any problems mentioned in this thread, on an abstract level I agree with you. I just realized that that's why I try and avoid assigning gender pronouns to Natani: I used to use "she" because that is what her body is, and assigned all evidence to the contrary to her personality instead. Because I prefer to think of her as a female with an interesting personality. And yes, her desire to be regarded as male does fall into that category for me.

I want to thank unsteddyPhoenix for helping me unravel my thought processes.

I agree with you guys to a certain point, but not completely. As I understand it, a transgendered person doesn't relate to the opposite sex because they relate more with their "social role" or "set or rules". They do so because they feel disconected with their body. That alone, nothing to do with social pressure. A transgendered person can still act manly/girly. Then again, that's only what I understand of it, but I can be very mistaken, since I've never actually met one.

[EvilNinjadude]

That alone, nothing to do with social pressure. A transgendered person can still act manly/girly. Then again, that's only what I understand of it, but I can be very mistaken, since I've never actually met one.

I think we meant that any person willing to identify less with a fixed mold created by social views could do a better job of it than identifying more with a different, equally fixed mold also created by social views. And I noted that I preferred to view personality, morals and goals on a different level than sexual orientation, urges, or body shape.

CoC will free your mind. Go forth and free it.

[xamali]

That alone, nothing to do with social pressure. A transgendered person can still act manly/girly. Then again, that's only what I understand of it, but I can be very mistaken, since I've never actually met one.

I think we meant that any person willing to identify less with a fixed mold created by social views could do a better job of it than identifying more with a different, equally fixed mold also created by social views. And I noted that I preferred to view personality, morals and goals on a different level than sexual orientation, urges, or body shape.

CoC will free your mind. Go forth and free it.

Oh, sorry then. I guess I misundertood you then.
What's CoC? I'll go ask Kiha about it >.>

[Rekats Rovert]

@ Gumby: I'm 23. College hasn't really made things better for me, oddly enough. There's still the same pressure and dissonance, though not in as great of quantity. Especially when it comes to relationships; my last girlfriend dumped me for being too girly.

@ Phoenix: I think I see what you're saying. It's not so much that I feel the social expectations of my gender are binding or absolutely restraining, they're just a little tight, for me. And these expectations aren't necessarily a "bad" thing, either. They arose for a reason; it's just kind of a sociological evolution, perhaps. For me, I just have a sense of "the grass is greener on the other side," in that I feel like I, personally, identify with a female set of norms, albeit a loose set of norms; I'm still outdoorsy, geeky, prefer boots to sneakers, yadda yadda, so maybe I'm not a "girly" girl. But I also like long stripey socks, wearing makeup, and being allowed to be emotional at times. Could I still be a guy and do those things? Sure! So why do I want to actually be identified as female? Well, Xamali is right, there's an aspect of physical dissonance that I want to correct. I don't hate myself physically, I don't even dislike my body, but there's some things I'd rather have, things that hormone therapy can change. I guess it's a selfish personal deal at that point, but for me, it would allow me a little more peace of mind if I were to go on said therapy.