Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

If you want to influence the new book, make your suggestions here.

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Fireball0236
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Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#1 Post by Fireball0236 »

As Sable suggested, a topic for any suggestions for any future books, and to post corrections for the first book. I'll try to keep an up to date list in the first post :) . (I'm editing as I'm reading through the book at this time ^_^ ). Kindly someone read through all these and correct me if I happen to be mistaken. Also I am not as good in placement of commas, if someone could check those. Thank you!

Suggestions
  • Add a margin to the side of the page, the side that is glued to the spine. That would make it easier to see and read the inner panels, without having to completely stretch the book open ^^.
  • Add page numbers. - Sable Dove
  • Looking into the above. - Tom
  • I just noticed, not all pages are printed completely "straight"/vertical (well, actually almost none are completely vertical; or they were cut a bit off). Nothing serious at all, just pointing it out. (Nothing has been cut off, or even come very close to being, so not a real issue, just a note).
  • I love the idea of showing us the note on the last page! [And I wonder, what language is that? Not human clearly, but does Flora know Basitin; I ddin't think Keith understood Keidran?] As for the real suggestion on the matter, bonus for Book Two, how about a printed alphabet if you're planning on adding more of this kind of text? ^_^ .

Corrections
  • On the map, the cartographer's noun "strait" is spelled as the adjective "straight". "Basidian Straight" should be "Basidian Strait". - avwolf
  • The wrong Chapter page was printed, after Chapter One comes Chapter Three, on second look, it just seems that the page for "Chapter Two" mistakenly says "Three", the actual "Chapter Three" is fine. (Offtopic, I just noticed Tom changed the order of his pages online; no clue how recent, maybe around his archive update; my own archive is incorrect now O o).
  • Chapter 1, Page 7 (not including the chapter title page; this is a bit hard without page numbers), last panel: "Atleast she's asleep..."; needs a space between "At" and "least".
  • Chapter 1, Last page; no longer includes dialogue of Trace hastily asking if Flora wants anything, yet later he does wonder again what he should get her (just a note of mine, not really wrong).
  • Chapter 2, Page 2 (again not including the chapter title page, same note from now on), penultimate panel: "Stupid Beast."; "Beast" should be without capital.
  • Chapter 2, Page 3, 3rd panel: "Your finally back!"; should be "You're".
  • Chapter 2, Page 5, last panel: "We can travel to my city afterwords."; should be "afterwards".
  • Chapter 2, Page 6, 1st panel: "A Ball of yarn."; no capital for "Ball".
  • Chapter 2, Page 8, 4th panel: "-SIgh-"; the "I" should be in lower case.
  • Chapter 2, Page 10, 5th panel (excluding the "Templar Academy"): "(...) someone to truely care (...)"; "truly" is the correct spelling.
  • Chapter 2, Page 13, first panel: "Afterwords, you can do what you like."; should be "Afterwards".
  • Chapter 2, Page 14, 4th panel: "Jeez, That's some (...)"; should be "Jeez. That's (...)" or "Jeez, that's (...)" [The last two panels on this page kept some of the older artwork, I like it though ^_^ ; the Keidran language learning has been omitted?].
  • Chapter 2, Page 15, last panel: "(...) this Keidran truely does have (...)"; "truly" is the correct spelling.
  • Chapter 2, Page 18-19, last & first panel: Flora says "What?" and Sythe replies with "Why? (...)"; either like online, have Flora also ask "Why?", or omit the "Why?" from Sythe's reply.
  • Chapter 2, Page 23, last panel: "At least we're finall rid of that (...)"; "finally", slight typo.
  • Chapter 2, Page 24, penultimate panel: "(...) has awaken my memories."; should be "awakened".
  • Chapter 3, Page 1, Panel 7: "Trace, You know I trust you..."; the 1st 'you' should be without capital. - Arxos
  • Chapter 3, Page 2, Panel 1: "Karen was saying you seemed to be un a hurry."; 'un' should be 'in'. - Arxos
  • Chapter 3, Page 2, Panel 3: "There's a city nearby."; is said twice in a row. - Arxos
  • Chapter 3, Page 5, Panel 3: "Free Keidran are not aloud in the city..."; "aloud" should be "allowed". - Oro_Kai
  • All above this corrected. - Tom
  • Chapter 3, Page 3, Panel 1: "It's a Templar Mana Battary."; "Battery" I assume.
  • Chapter 3, Page 3, Panel 4: "Please, Stop this, Trace!"; should be either "Please, stop this, Trace." or "Please(!/.) Stop this, Trace.".
  • Chapter 3, Page 3, Panel 4: "I am the grand Templar!"; should be "Grand Templar" as it's the title, and it has got a capital every other time.
  • Chapter 3, Page 4, Panel 3: "she's just a child!"; capital on "she's" [Also, the note in the background, "Posing as a shopkeeper." it seems the jewellery store wasn't his first time :P .].
  • Chapter 3, Page 6, Last panel: "G-grand Templar?"; should the second "g" not be capitalized as well, same reason as before, because it's the title?
  • Chapter 3, Page 7, Panel 1: "(...) the Festival tomorrow."; should "Festival" start with a capital?
  • Chapter 3, Page 7, Panel 3: "...this place really is peaceful..."; as it's not connected to the previous sentance (by "..." I mean), shouldn't this sentance start with a capital too?
  • Chapter 3, Page 11, Panel 1: "Girl's Bathes" (sign); should be "Girl's Baths" if I'm not mistaken(?) [Also, "Demon Woman" is a 'name' I suppose then?].
  • Chapter 3, Page 12, Panel 4: unimportant I suppose, but the tavern sign looks like it does say something, but I can't read it.
  • Chapter 3, Page 15, Panel 2: "...at least, (...)"; same as a note above, as it's not connected to the previous sentance (by "..." I mean), shouldn't this sentance start with a capital, and in this case, the "..." moved to the end of the sentance?
  • Chapter 3, Page 19, Panel 9: "Huh She... fell asleep?"; needs a "?" after "Huh".
  • Chapter 3, Page 20, Panel 6: "Tom's PIzza Delivery."; the "I" in "PIzza" should be lower case.
  • Insert big awww, the filler page isn't included xD !
  • Chapter 4, Page 2, Panel 1: "Well, now that the humans are destractred, tell me, Flora..."; "distracted" is correct.
  • Chapter 4, Page 2, Panel 2: "You are truely blessed (...)"; "truly" is the correct spelling.
  • Chapter 4, Page 2, Panel 4: "And remember."; the sentance isn't complete, so shouldn't this end in either "," or "..."?
  • Chapter 4, Page 7, Panel 6: "(...) Keith wating too long!"; small typo, should be "waiting".
  • Chapter 4, Page 8, Panel 2: "Becides, with that symbol, (...)"; small typo, should be "Besides".
  • Chapter 4, Page 12, Last panel: "Becides, if it's a male, (...)"; small typo, should be "Besides".
  • Chapter 4, Page 13, Panel 2: "(...) animals then you think."; "then" should be "than" [I can't promise I didn't miss any grammar errors before, they're harder to spot for me than spelling].
  • Chapter 4, Page 9-11, Panel N/A (Panel 7 on page 15; and page 16, 21 too): Just wondering, why are Eurche and Flora speaking human, and not Keidran?
  • Chapter 4, Page 15, Panel 1: "<Euchre! I'm back!"; missed a ">" at the end of the sentance.
  • Chapter 4, Page 15, Panel 4: "<He is your... new master, eh?"; missed a ">" at the end of the sentance.
  • Chapter 4, Page 21, Panel 2: "huh? (...)"; "huh" needs a capital.
  • Chapter 4, Page 21, Last panel: "(...) Trace go Berserk and (...)"; "Berserk" should be lower case, if I'm not mistaken.
  • Chapter 4, Page 22, Panel 2: "(...) to the Tempars, (...)"; small typing error, "Templars".
  • Chapter 4, Page 22, Panel 6: "You're plan is a failture!"; small typing error, "failure", remove the "t"; also "You're" should be "Your" as in possessive.
  • Chapter 4, Page 32, Last panel: the panel no longer contains Eurche's and Keith's length and weight.
  • Chapter 4, Last page, Panel 1: "...thank you."; same as a note a bit earlier, as it's not connected to the previous sentance (by "..." I mean), shouldn't this sentance start with a capital, and in this case, the "..." moved to the end of the sentance?
  • New ones below.
  • Chapter 2, Page 24, Panel 3: "You're betrayal has (...)"; should be "Your". - Escobar
  • Chapter 2, Page 25, Panel 4: "Oh no, you're foot"; should be "your". - Escobar
  • Chapter 2, Page 25, Panel 6: "Without you're memories"; should be "your". - Escobar
  • Chapter 2, Page 26, Panel 5: "He wont try (...)"; should be "won't". - Escobar
  • Chapter 4, Page 27, Panel 5: "After all the time We've been together"; "we've" should be lower case. - Escobar
  • Chapter 4, Page 31, Panel 5: "It's just isn't normal", should be "It just isn't normal". - Escobar
  • Chapter 2, Page 7, Panel 2: "This is a Subleseed Crystal."; missing a "t" in "Subtleseed". - philpem
  • Chapter 2, Page 14, Panel 5: "I knew that Subtleseed Crystals (...)"; MAYBE (see this post) for this one, and the one above, "Crystal" probably shouldn't have an initial capital -- "Subtleseed" being the proper noun (i.e. the name of a particular 'thing'), "crystal" being a common noun (i.e. a type of thing). - philpem
All through the book! Aww, I want more now xD !

Safekeeping, removed notes, ignore these:
Chapter 2, Page 2, 2nd panel: "what with you out fighting Keidran all the time."; just sounds a bit odd to me, may be because English is not my naitive language (someone check this please ^^).
Chapter 2, Page 24, penultimate panel: "(...) has awaken my memories."; should be "awakened" [Also, in the 1st panel, "Now he really will think (...)", doesn't "Now he will really think (...)" sound better, or am I mistaken?].
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avwolf
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#2 Post by avwolf »

On the map, the cartographer's noun "strait" is spelled as the adjective "straight." -- "Basidian Straight" should be "Basidian Strait"
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Arxos
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#3 Post by Arxos »

Chapter 2, Page 2 (again not including the chapter title page, same note from now on), 2nd panel: "what with you out fighting Keidran all the time."; just sounds a bit odd to me, may be because English is not my naitive language (someone check this please ^^).
I think that would fall under a habit of American people, I have no idea if it is considered grammatically correct but I've seen such phrasing quite a bit before. :)

And well, I happened to be at the start of chapter 3 so I'll just make a start for you :P

Chapter 3, Page 1, Panel 7: "Trace, You know I trust you..." the 1st 'you' should be without capital
Chapter 3, Page 2, Panel 1: "Karen was saying you seemed to be un a hurry." 'un' should be 'in'
Chapter 3, Page 2, Panel 3: "There's a city nearby." is said twice in a row

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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#4 Post by Gray »

Chapter 3, Page 5, Panel 3: 'Free Keidran are not aloud in the city..' (Aloud should be Allowed.)
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#5 Post by Krid »

Fireball0236 wrote:Chapter 2, Page 2 (again not including the chapter title page, same note from now on), 2nd panel: "what with you out fighting Keidran all the time."; just sounds a bit odd to me, may be because English is not my naitive language (someone check this please ^^).
Oh it certainly IS odd, but it's valid conversational English.
Fireball0236 wrote:Chapter 2, Page 14, 4th panel: "Jeez, That's some (...)"; should be "Jeez. That's (...)" or "Jeez, that's (...)"
Again, valid for conversational English.
Fireball0236 wrote:the Keidran language learning has been omitted?
I haven't actually done much reading in my book yet, but I really hope not.
Fireball0236 wrote:Also, in the 1st panel, "Now he really will think (...)", doesn't "Now he will really think (...)" sound better, or am I mistaken?
They both work, but the emphasis is important here and a native reader will almost always put it on whichever of the two words comes last.
"Now he really will think..." carries the connotation that he did not think that way in any seriousness.
"Now he will really think..." carries the connotation that he had lesser leanings towards those thoughts that were being strengthened.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right; a language is not only the mechanics and words, but quite a lot of the culture behind it. Connotations and shades of meaning aren't something that's easy to learn unless you grew up around them.

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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#6 Post by Fireball0236 »

Thank you avwolf, Arxos, Oro_Kai and Krid.

Krid, I will leave them in the list for just a bit more, if you don't mind. The second line you commented on, the problem is the capital after a comma, that should be wrong either way, no? I haven't found the part where Flora tries to teach Trace the word for "grass" and "trees" in the book yet. I have removed the last note from the list, thank you.
Thank you for the explanation too, I strive for my English, but as you say, it's hard if you didn't grow up using it.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#7 Post by avwolf »

Fireball0236 wrote:Thank you avwolf, Arxos, Oro_Kai and Krid.

Krid, I will leave them in the list for just a bit more, if you don't mind. The second line you commented on, the problem is the capital after a comma, that should be wrong either way, no? I haven't found the part where Flora tries to teach Trace the word for "grass" and "trees" in the book yet. I have removed the last note from the list, thank you.
Thank you for the explanation too, I strive for my English, but as you say, it's hard if you didn't grow up using it.
The first line is, in fact, an American colloquialism. "...what with you <doing something>" is a reasoning or explanation, like "I couldn't start the truck, what with you running off with the keys." You're right about the second line. A capital letter after a comma like that is incorrect.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#8 Post by Fireball0236 »

I see, never heard or seen such a construction being used before. Removed; thank you avwolf.
Anything else? ^^.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#9 Post by Tom »

Thank you for the corrections and suggestions. I hate that they had to be found out in this way, rather than while I was reviewing the book, but at least now they can be corrected for the public run. I have corrected all the things mentioned here. If more are found, please post it, and I will make the necessary changes.

I will also considered adding page numbers and adjusting the margins more, but that's considerably harder.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#10 Post by Fireball0236 »

I will edit the post as I go along in the book, unfortunatly I can't read while studying (darn exams xD ). Glad we are able to help Tom :) .

There should be plenty space at the moment to add pagenumbers. The margins will require you to either shrink the actual page/image, or increase the paper size/format.

Do you wish for me to add something to the first post to point out until where you have fixed/updated?
=O Tom posted on my thread *faint* xD .


EDIT: And about the corrections being made now, for anything future, you could maybe pick a few forum users who have Englihs as their naitive language (just because they're less likely to make mistakes themselves) and check the whole book?
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#11 Post by Tom »

I've corrected everything listed so far. You can make a note of it if you'd like. I'm also seeing about adjusting the images on the page a little bit to fit the book.

Edit: I've adjusted the margins and added page numbers to the book.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#12 Post by Fireball0236 »

Sounds great Tom! Thank you ^_^ .
Say Tom, now that you have got page numbers, could you post the number of pages?

I have just read Chapter 3, and edited the first post. I am still stunned by the difference in art, and how vivid the book is xD ...
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#13 Post by Krid »

Fireball0236 wrote:Insert big awww, the filler page isn't included xD !
I've always considered that filler canon, so it's more than a little disappointing that it's missing. ^^

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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#14 Post by Gray »

Chapter 4. Page 2. Panel 1:'now that the humans are destracted...' (Typo: distracted)
Chapter 4. Page 2. Panel 2: 'You are truely blessed to...' (Typo: truly)

Chapter 4. Page 12. Last panel: 'Becides, if it's a male..' (Typo: Besides)

Chapter 4. Page 21. Last Panel: '..make Trace go Berserk and act...' (Caps on Berserk?)

Chapter 4, Page 22, Panel 2: 'was very important to the Tempars, even..' (Typo: Templars)
Chapter 4, Page 22, Panel 6: 'You're plan is a failture!' (Typo: Your, failure)

Chapter 4, Page 28, Panel 5: I suggest you put a belt on him, looks like he’s got no pants on.
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Re: Book One - Corrections & Suggestions

#15 Post by Fireball0236 »

I went through the whole book, anything I could find has been added to the first post :) . Please someone double check my notes ^^.


Sorry Oro_Kai, I was editing my post while you posted. I'll double check to make sure I have all of those, thank you.
As for your noted suggestion, he is deeper in the water than his belt would reach, a few panels later (next page) it clearly shows.

I'm an anime fan, and yet I still lack understanding of "Canon", could someone kindly explain (in a PM maybe)?
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